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Friday, February 19, 2010

i'll get used to it eventually.

dear blog,,

i dont know what's been going on with me today.
i dont know why but im just not up for anything today.
as if im really cranky.
my friends called to hang out,, but what can i say,,
im just not up for it.
i just want to be alone.
which i think im not being my self.
at all.
that's so odd.

i missed her so much today.
and i cant stop thinking bout her.
the whole day today.
it just kills my mood.

my sister keeps asking if im okay.
i guess she could see that i was feeling so blue.
haha,, the funny story is that

my nephew came to me just now,, when i was listening to my mp3.
all of the sudden he aked me :
"mamarah,, mane kakak meen ?"
i couldnt answer him.
i burst into tears that very momment.
that lil' kid remembered her.
that would mean she must've done something right afterall,, right ?

ntah laa.

i was watching tv just now,,
and twilight was showing.
watching it for the first time after we broke up.
made me thought about our first time watching it
in the cinema.

she held my hand tight,, hugged me close as i was feeling cold.
i miss that momment.
that very momment.
i wish i could have that momment again.
i wish.

kills me when i know that she's doing it with someone else now.
but whatever lahh.


i miss youu,, nur athira syakina.
i miss you so damn much today.
and yes,, i fucking hate myself for that.

but i cant help it.
you scarred me so bad,, so deep.
leaving me breathless,, and clueless.
you took my love.
tear my heart apart.
but still,, imysm.

let tomorrow be better.
lets hope everything will fall into it's place.
but for now,, i just wanna tell you that imissyou.

i'll lock you in my heart forever.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

im lovin this one ! ;)

i call it :


was when everything was hot.
with bow and arrow my heart was shot.
eventhough there's so much things that you are not,,
unconditionally,, i loved you a lot.

like the colour of the sunrise.
everything about you just makes me mesmerized.
we took the risk and rolled the dice.
still,, everything turned out so nice.

was when everything was so bright.
when there were shadow,, you shed some light.
everything just felt so right.
even better,, we didnt have to hide.

is the colour of nature.
felt like you were my favourite flavour.
anything dull,, you turned it into colour.
you promised i will always be your flower.

was when you thought that i betrayed you.
you thought that i had found somebody new.
but i did nothing other than being true.
still you were so mad,, you started flirting too.

you fucked rena,, and i liked muffin.
but i loved you so much,, so i give in.
after a while,, we started laughin'.
we stayed together even without trustin'.

you looked me in the eyes and took my hand.
told me that you are in love with sue,, my friend.
you are so fucked up in your la la land.
i hope you burn in hell,, as i never wanna see you again.

im in mood for poems ! poems poems poems !


summer ;
it was the beginning,,
as if there were no ending,,
as if we didnt need anything,,
coz all we had was everything.

spring ;
we were mad, mad for each other,,
i believed you will always be my lover,,
you were there when everything gets tougher,,
i would never forget our joy and our laughter.

autumn ;
we realized that neither of us were perfect,,
everything we did was out of respect,,
suddenly there were so many things that we lack,,
and you started doing things behind my back.

winter ;
you said that you wanted to leave,,
i wondered if there were still an 'if',,
but theres nothing more that we can achieve,,
coz that's the end of flower and leaf.

Monday, February 8, 2010

my bloody valentine.

hello february.
the month of love.

valentine's day.
valentine. what does that even mean?
hm,, i honestly dont know anymore.

17th of february 2008 0217 am : "farah,, would you be my girlfriend?"

17th of february 2009 0000 am : "happy one year ani,, bunge ! i hope that we'll have loads more ani to come. i love you."

17th of february 2010 : she'll be long gone.

i kinda have a feeling that im not gonna love this year's february so much. it used to be one of my favourite month in a year. well like i said,, used to.

however,, life must go on.
it doesnt end here.
theres no happy ending without any heartache right.
so,, yeah.
someone told me that you have to meet a few mistakes before you meet the right one.
used to think that she was the right one.
she was the one.

i am so really over her,,
but im not over it.
im not over our good old days.
im not over the things we did together.
and im so weak when it comes to all those littlest thing.

i just hope that in time,, i can actually find the strength to get rid of it.
i was deleting her pictures and everything about her from my laptop the other day.
and mama said that i should keep some of it.
she said "u are mad right now. but once you moved on,, and u get over everything,, they wouldnt seem that bad. look at me,, i dont even have a picture of your father."

well,, the truth is that i do not want to recall anything about her anymore.
she hurt me so bad,, scarred me so deep.
i dont think it will dissapear.
and i hate her for that.
i used to think that im always so strong.
that im somehow a superwoman.
didnt thought that someone could ever hurt me like she did.

because of her,, i cant trust anyone anymore.
so,, i'll just hope that in time,, i'll learn to trust and love again.
i mean couples breakups all the time right ?
im sure everyone has had their share of broken hearts.
and im sure that some even had to go through a tougher way.

two years is not a big of a deal.
its just two years right.
two wonderful years,, that deep inside i had known all along
would never last.
coz there's no forever.
yeah i believe time will heal everything.

so what im going through this years' v-day alone.
so what if she's no longger here on the 17th.
so what if she's gone.
so what.

im slowly transforming to a better person.
all for the good reason.
its a good thing.
i think.

meen is dead to me.
but dawun will always be in my heart.
i burried her there too deep inside.
maybe thats where she should stay.
doesnt mean that i cant make room for anyone else right.

dear blog,,
i set myself free today.
free from her.
yess,, im smiling while writing this.

we talked on the phone just now.
it was horrible.
somehow,, im not mad.
and im definitely not sad.
yeah,, im a lil surprised myself.

but i think i just realized that deep down im actually
relieved not being with her anymore.
instead of remembering bout all those great things,,
i thought about what i've missed out in my life these past 2 years.
what i lost,, and what i couldnt get because of her.

i dont blame her.
i dont blame myself either.
it was just a silly mistake,, that i had to go through in life.
and maybe,, just maybe
breaking up with her is the best thing that could have happened in my life.
it sure did thought me a lot.

the foremost is that it thought me to be stronger.
and definiteley not to ever depend on anyone anymore.

i think im over her.
and im over it.
im not mad anymore.
a lil' frustrated,, id have to agree.
but its fine.

she's just someone from my past.
she doesnt have my heart anymore.
she's just a memory.

i burned our bracelet today.
my way of letting go of the only thing ive been holding on to.
no more hoping,, no more regrets,,
no more weeping.
i am so free.

gonna make the most of it !