hazelnut white coffee.

yet another day at oldtown.
with my slut,, rasyid.

"babi ! " katanye.
haha.

lately nie sy happy je.
knape ea ?
sbb assignment bagos kot.
haha.

"assgnment laa sgt" kate rasyid.
ye la hoi !
assgnment laa !
which reminds me.
loads to do.
logging off.
;)

one of the best day !

hoho.
i pierced my nose today.
yeaa. i finally did !
;D lovin it !
saket tu tak laa sgt.
but keluar jgak laa air mate tdy kann.
alaa,, sbb awek tuu spray bndealah tu masok mate.
haha. ;p

classes had been good so far.
lect ckap our group pny assgnment je yg dy puas hati.
pergh,, bangga la sial !
considering i was the one who did it !
haha.

nak ckap ape lagi kann. senyum je la.
haha.

;D

bongok !

presently hanging at oldtown with my bitch,, muiz !
=)
supposed to do our assignment,,
but blogging instead. ;D

muiz gile !
farah comel !
rasyid gile !
muiz handsome !
rasyid pelacur omputeh celup !
smalam best ~ !
best gile !
takde keje la weyh !
dah laa weyhhhh ~ !
i love muiz !
muiz stoned !

back to life. =)

okayy.
am going back to kl tomorrow.
well,, today,, technically.
well,, in a few hours to be exact.
haha.

along with sad and his annoying yet cool bro.
haha.
riding in cars with boys like drew berrymore laa konon ?
:p

if we reach kl in time,,
we should be attendidng atiqah's open house.
at 8pm.

then later that night,,
later tonight that is.
i would love to meet up with
miss zettira farhanna.
;D
bnyk hutang nak dibayar. kan yanggggg ! :D
haha. tak bley blahhhh.
she ym-ed me just now.
merepek ntah hape2.
but yeahh,, i laughed my head off.
hee.

so thats about it.
since idk when imma come back to jb,,
or when imma update my blog.
till then.

shinchan : sy syg awk and im always missing you.
boo : you know. imy ! take care,, whatever you do,,okay ?

xoxo.

pure morning.

got myself a five hour sleep.
JOY !
seriously,, im quite worried.
not sleeping for days,, and when i sleep,,
its only for a few hours.
my body gets tired.
exhausted,, drained out.
but i cant seem to be getting enough sleep.
something is definitely bothering me.
i just dont know what it is.
sheesh.

so,,
as i was just trying to shut my eyes in the afternoon,,
yulie called.
nak dtg beraya.
heh.
so yeah,, she and dilla came,,
along with another couple,,
i cant remember their names.
it was fun.

boy,, cant wait to get back to subang !
damnnnn.
so many plans had to be canceled.
:(

this is like the first time in sooo long that i feel
excited and cant wait for class to start again.
haha.
really. cant wait ! the kitchen should be ready,,
therefore basic cookery class should be starting.
weeeee. ;D

so.
today's topic :
i feel like nagging bout relationship status.
haha. yeahhh. JACKPOT !
:D

well,, frankly.
what is it not to love bout being single ?
you're free,,
nobody control's you.
no commitment.
you can flirt around all you want ! haha.
honestly. i am comfortable being where i am right now.
relationship wise.

but i gotta admit.
i do miss being committed at times.
being loyal.
loving and being loved by only one.
the one. *sighs.

i guess its true,,
once you're burned,, you're not the same.
that was me then.
loyal and committed.
but she fucked me up,,
and i guess i just lost it.
i want to be the old me again.
:(

now im like having this irrational fear of being committed.
in other word,, phobia.
its definitely hard for me to trust again.
a few people came into my life after her.
touched my heart i gotta admit.
but idk.
why is it not working ?
its not them,, i know.
its me.
issues with myself.

fuck it !
i wanna try everything all over again.
i wish my heart would just mend.
i wish that moving on is as simple as abc for me.
but noooo. i had to be sooo hung up on her.
pfft.
i want to take things seriously again.
i mean,, ive been fooling around a lot lately.
not taking things seriously.
everything !
joking bout stuff. even serious stuff.
sheesh.

maybe i'll just try ?
try to trust.
try relationship.
ive got nothing to lose anyway.
hit the hard bottom,, and you've got nothing to lose.
trust me.

insomnia !

okayyy.
what is it with me lately ?
what !
like i can only sleep once every two days ?
damnit !

its been three times in a row.
through out this past week.
i wont sleep for two days.
okayy,, scratch that.
not that i wont,, i CANT !
ive tried but i cant !

so,, i cant sleep for twho whole days,,
and i'd sleep the whole day when i could.
only if i take cough meds,, flu meds,, drowzy meds,, or weed.
fuck !

whattafuck !
imma junkie now ?!
apesal tak ngntok nie !
takde mnom coffee pon !
but i just cant seem to get some sleep.

hyper gle. then nty bad mood.
haihhhhh.

macam mane nak tdo ea ?
:(

breaking dawn !

hey ho.
just watched the twilight saga : eclipse two times in a row.
back to back !
whoaaaaa.
im lovin it !

favourite quotations :

jacob : "i'm gonna fight for you untill your heart stops beating."
edward : "isabella swan,, i promise to love you,, every momment,, forever.
would you do me the extrodinary honor by marrying me ?"
bella : "some say the world will end in fire. some say in ice. from what i've tasted
of desire,, i hold with those who favors fire.but if i had to parish twice,,
i think i know enough to hate to say that for distruction ice is also
great."

favourite scenes :

when bella asked jacob to kiss her. fuckkkkkk ! i get all excited ! tak ddok diam tengok ! haha.
and when the cullens and the wolves faught the newborns,, when jasper was giving the attack plan. hoho. t'was a verry cool scene.
jacob,, bella and edward in the tent all together. edward had to see jacob warming bella as she was freezing to death.

damnit ! i cant wait for breaking dawn !
eclipse was so much better than new moon.
and i gotta say i like eclipse better than twilight.
more action.
and bella finally realizes she's in love with jacob as well.
and damn ! bella and edward are enggaged for fuck's sake !
they'll get married in breaking dawn ! woohoooo !
tak sabarnye !
i actually know how the story will end anyways.

* taknak tao,, tak payah bace okay ! *

bella and edwars will have a baby.
renesme.
bella almost died giving birth so edward had to change her.
so renesme would be half vampire and half human.
and renesme ended up o be with jacob.
wtf right. i know.
haha.
so in breaking dawn,, they'll be fighting the volturi.
and bella turned out to be the most powerfull vampire !
haha.
damn ! im sooooo obssesed !
:D

breaking dawn,, in the making ! CANT WAIT ! CANT WAIT ! CANT WAIT !

colt 45.

okayy.
i fell asleep around 0030,, woke up around 0530.
knocked out for five fuckin hours !
i woke up and there were 5 missed calls and 7 unread texts.
pfft.
mmg tdo mati. dah mcm pengsan pon ye jgak.

so i woke up t go to the toilet.
looked myself in the mirror.
pergh. dah mcm hantu !
dark circle around my eyes.
muka pucat gle.
bibir pon pucat. rambot serabai.
mata kuyu.
haha. tak tao laa mcm mane bley lepas dgan mama balek tdy.

yelaa, i havent slept for two days !
so,, went out with my friend.
mcm cibaiii.
haha.
last night i got myself new experiences.
doing things i never did before.
ngeeee.
getting stoned in the middle of the highway.
shitmann ! now im reminded of the movie pineapple express !
hahaaaa ! nak tgok lepas nie.
so,,
i drove at first,,
but ble dah ting tong tuuuu.
pullover la.
bhahaa. then my friend took the wheels.
pergi makan abc paling sedap dkat jb !
;)

so,, hung out with yulie and dilla.
went back to their place.
kne lagi 1 joint before balek.
terbhaik cha !
haha. one of the feelings i'll never forget.
yeahh.

life's too short to take too seriously,, dude.
at least i know what its like. ;)

off.

yet,, another Q&A.

Would you hug your ex again?
which ex ? hoho.
kalao jumpe ape salahnye hugg kannnnn. :p

Why did you and your last ex break up?
last ex ea ?
haha. boo ? why ea ?
we're better off being friends kott.
lagi rapat. kan boo kan ? hee.

How many girlfriends or boyfriends have told you they loved u?
ecehh. dah name mase tuu gf. semua lahh.
girlfriends only okayyy.
im a goldstar ! haha.
*according to the L word,, a 'goldstar' is a person who never have a relationship with the opposite sex.*

How many girlfriends or boyfriends did you actually love?
erm3.
three ? heh.
four.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurt?
gahhh.
tell me bout it.
muffin,, this includes you ! ;P

Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?
yeaaaa. hihi.

Are you happier single or in a relationship?
i'd have to say,, single !
life's less complicated !

Would you ever lie to get an ex back?
hoho.
no.

Have you ever been cheated on?
lalala.
once is not enough,, she had to do it twice !
sheesh.

Have you ever told someone you loved them and didn't mean it?
err.
honestly,, yes.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
duhh.

If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
no.

Do you still love your ex?
i still love my boo.
and i still care for naz.
that one particular ex : she who must not be named,, i have nonewhatsoever
feeling of love anymore. haha.

Do you believe that you are a good girlfriend or boyfriend?
hm. hard to say.
go ask my exes. ;)

Have you ever dated some one who was not good to you?
chucked her already.
;)

Have you dated someone older than you?
ngeeee. naz. pakcik tua !
haha. older just by one year pon. haha.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
yea.
but its about how you use it.
coz there's no third chances with me.

Do you Believe in love at first sight?
no.

Ever want to get married?
not really.

Ever kissed your friend's boyfriend or girlfriend?
hoho.
yea. not proud of it,, okay.
but it got me to where i am right now,, so.
no regrets.

If given a chance, would you like to have your ex back?
read question no 7 !

Still Friends with your exs?
yeaa3.
boo and naz.
heh.

Do You Like Anyone now?
yes i do.

Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it?
pfft. when i was with her,, she wanted to carve a letter 'F' at her chest.
so that she wont ever forget me,, and i was the love of her life.
*cough,,cough.bullshit!*caugh.
i stoped her and said it was stupid.
after breaking up with her,, i saw a picture of her newly carved arm.
it was the 'F'.
at that time i think her gf's name was fairy,,was it ?
ntah. i lost track. anyways.
i still think its stupid to carve someone's initial to your body.
and now she's over with fairy,, but that F still remains.
whattodo then ? hahaa.
jawab laa dlam kubur ye. :p


*** END OF QUESTIONS***
(mcm soalan finals) haha.

shinchan,, awk jgn mara2 plak bc survey nie.
its only the truth.
sy sygg awk. ;)

jealous much ?

so,,
i stalked her page.
(yess i can be a stalker sometimes)
haha.
damn.
boy,, im glad i dodged a bullet with her !
i really am.

so she got herself a new girl.
errr,, number 44 is it ?
jk. jk.
LOL.
and yea,, she did mentioned to me once when she called me up the other day.
that her current gf,, is psycho jealous.
and damn,, she's right.

i saw that poor girl cursing at some other girl for she thinks that that girl is trying to ruin their relationship.
haha. thats a long statement. faham tak ? :p

and.
it reminded me of me when i was with her.
yeaaa.
i admit. i used to be a psychopath as well.
i get jealous like so easily.
at one point i think i wouldnt let her be friends with most girls.
GOSH !
wtf right.
but yeaa,, that was me then.
was okay.

now,,
i think its safe to say.
i dont get jealous.
i dont.
and i think,, imma keep it that way.
i mean relationships can be really hard if you and your partner get jealous easily.

there'll be missunderstandings,, misscommunications.
and there's just no trust.
so whats the point of having a relationship right ?

you might as well be truthfull.
honest.
at least that's what i think.
and thats what im doing.

now that's a mature relationship.
no fightings,, no argueing.
any dislikes and dissapoinment could be settled by simply communicating.
talking your way out of it.

not like what i had with her.
dlu kalao bley hari2 nak gadow.
and i mean everyday.
it gets violent sometimes.
sampai polis datang ruma lahh.
heh. now when i think about it,, its actually quite funny.
haha.

i think people get jealous when they feel so insecure.
but why cant you just talk nicely about it ?
be civilzed,, people !
we are gifted with brains !
haha. pandai kao cakap kan.
kao pon same je dulu.
but change for the better. =)
i try to be confident.
and time after time,,
i dont get the "insecure" feeling so much.
people have flaws.
thats natural.
but flaws are not the only thing that you have.
love yourself.

* org tak tdo malam mmg bnyk ceramah cmnie.

there it is.
just a peace of mind. ;)

la vida loca !

heyy blog.
;)

just got back from danga.
was lepaqing at ss.
with elly,, sad and bro.
cuci mata. haha.
jk. jk.

fuckman.
i think i have insomnia now.
pfft.
i cant sleep.
i want to sleep,, but i just cant !
i've tried everything !
lights on,, lights off,, candles,, soft lights.
light songs. you name it.
nothing works.

smalam terok sgt smp i had to take flu and cough meds,,
just to feel drowzy.
haihhh.
ape nak jadi la nie.
ble dah drowzy tuu pon nak mimpi ntah hape2.
haha.

i had a dream,,
that i get like a serious amount of drugs.
a kilo of kay.
shait !
haha.

just got of the fone with elly.
dy ajak kua lagi malam nie.
for a movie kot.
idk yet. kalao rajen,, or kalao dapat green lite dr mama,,
g la kot.
heh.

just got off the fone with elly.
haha.
seemed so long sice i had a girl to girl conversation like that !
i feel so ladylike.
pfft.
apesal laa dgan aku nie.
sheesh.
anyways,, thx for calling babe.
i had fun.
xD

i want nothing more than to get stoned right now !
arghhhhh.

heart.

its been so long since i write a poem.
this one's called HEART.

heart,,
im sorry you broke to pieces.
i take the blame for not taking care of you.
im sorry now you're like shattered glasses.
how was i to know,, i didnt have a clue.

heart,,
you're becoming as hard as a stone.
im scared you'll never love again.
im here,, you'll never be alone.
whether its the sunshine,, whether it's the rain.

heart,,
she left us both.
i feel the pain that you feel.
so much feelings of loathe.
i hope in time you will heal.

heart,,
im trying my best to pickup every piece.
of you that i let broken by her.
all you need is another true love's kiss.
but no one has ever been that near.

heart,,
i pray that you'll be as strong.
i really hope that we are not done.
maybe what we had with her was wrong.
but you have to meet a few mistakes before meeting the right one.

heart,,
it doesnt matter whom you fall in love with.
as long as there's love in your life.
not hatred,, not anger,, not filth.
so help me god,, i hope my heart'll revive.


there it is.
is it true ?
what they said about once you got your heart broken,,
its almost impossible for you to love again.
well maybe.
idk. what im sure of is that its really hard for me to trust again.
you know.
its like you gave your heart to someone,,
they ripped it apart.
tear it to tiny lil' pieces.
naturally,, you'll think like a billion times before you're ready to give your heart to someone else,,
once you've got yourself together,, that is.
its natural,, right ?
its normal. right ?
hmmm.

wake me up when september ends.

dear blog.
i feel emptier more than ever today.
i never felt so hollow. ever.
i dont even know what's the matter.
idk what's wrong with me.

im good. healthy and all.
studies are okay.
me and mama patched things up already.
everythings okay with bro.
doin great with friends.
but still.
idk.
i feel hollow.

it happens every now and then.
once in a blue moon.
that im feeling moodless.
its not a bad mood. its just.
idk how to describe it.
feelingless.
as i said. hollow.

it made me feel grandpa.
beloved tok encik.
it made me miss him. so so much.
and i'd think back bout the times when he was around.
especially that yesterday was the independence day.
he used to be so proud,, and he'd raised up the flag high.
telling all the stories bout him in his army days.
god,, i miss him.
I MISS HIM !

things would be a whole lot different of he was still around.
for all i know,,
i would turned out very differently.
the family would definitely not fall apart.
its obvious that he was the glue sticking all of us together.
i would definitely be better.
a lot better.

pops,,
im sorry.
im sorry i didnt turned out as you wanted me to.
im sorry i am not a good girl.
im sorry i've let you down.
im sorry i didnt take care of mama.
im sorry i didnt take care of myself.
i am sorry.

i wish that you were here to help me.
show me the right way again.
help me find myself again.
im lost without you,,pops.
i miss you.
i hope you've reached a better place.
a great man like you deserves nothing less.
and i hope i can see you again.
maybe. soon. who knows.