still stupid.

why do people keep letting you down ?
you must be the problem.
you know what you're getting yourself into.
she already has a girlfriend. but you choose to be with her anyway.
of course you'll be the one with the brokenheart in the end.
you think she'll choose you over her ?
wake up man !

her girlfriend is a lawyer.
what are you ?
a failure. thats what you are.
you thought by giving her your all she'll love you like you love her ?
wake up.
WAKE UP !

maybe you're just meant to be alone.

you made it before.
you can do it again.

just another disappoinment.
just another broken heart.

suicidal note.

three months to come,, its gonna be a whole year since i last write.
a lot has happened between these 9 months of time.
i dont know if someone is going to read this post. or if no one ever does. blogging just seems so outdated with all the other social networks these days.

truth been told. i almost kill myself, 3 hours ago.
theres just so many ways for someone to kill themselves.
pills,, wrist cutting,, choke down on bleach or floor cleaners.
hell,, u can even wrap ur head inside a plastic bag if u get too desperate.

of course it has to be about love.
it has to be about some girl.
it just have to be about someone i love. more than i love myself.

and that someone just doesnt love me.

and i have to be so fuckin insecure about it.
and be so fuckin depressed. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
and cry myself to sleep. and just wake up the next day to cry and cry again.

why do we have to feel this way.
why the fuck do i have to have feelings.
why cant i just be cold hearted and heartless. feelingless.
why cant i write this while not shedding a single drop of tear.
why do i have to be so fucking fragile.

my previous realtionships always have the same patern.
with meen. with arm. started out as a friend and fall in love together.
and this time. it had to be different with her.

it started out too fast. she loved me so much even without getting to know me very well.
we broke up after two weeks of a relationship because i couldnt commit. and then we got into an open relationship.

then we get back together eventhough it was a long distant relationship.
and as time passes,, i fell more and more in love with her.
giving her everything that i can give including my heart and hoping she wouldnt break it.

little did i know that for her,, as time passes,, she fell OUT OF LOVE with me.
she loved me lesser and lesser. and she did not mention anything . not until last night.

i dont know for sure. but i think i have never loved someone this much.
so knowing that she didnt lpve me back,, just kills me.
no wonder she has been nothing but cold and unloving towards me these past few weeks.
i once promised myself to never be this vulnerable.
what happened to me.

farah,,
she just doesnt love you.
maybe she used to before. but not anymore.
whether is your fault or hers. it doesnt matter anymore.
things will not be okay between you anymore.
you just have to accept that and let it go.

i lost the intrest to do anything anymore.
i swear to god,, suicide is all i can think about. every single minute of the day.
what else can you do when u cany do anything anymore.
crying just doesnt help.
i feel helpless. pathetic. alone. pityfull. pathetic. and pathetic.
thisbtime last year i was a cheerful and healthy person.

and now im just a nicotine addict.

maybe ill persue my suicidal dreams one of these days.
im just miserable living, anyway.
same old routine. same old sacrifices. same old task,
and nothing to look forward to.

i love my mom. but i just cant do this anymore.
i dont want yo live anymore.

and now,, losing someone who has the whole of my heart,, just makes me feel like im a walking zombie.
and she doesnt care.
she doesnt know that iys my heart shes breaking.
and my head shes messing with.
and my life on the line.

my psychotic disease is back.
much worst this time.
sometime i think that i need to be on meds,

sometimes i just swallow some painkillers, without reason.
sometimes i simply cut myself. without reason.

maybe. just maybe.
i just really cant take it anymore.

i dont think anyone can help me.

im sorry.

0405 am.

dear blog.
I've been very busy and i just couldn't find the time to actually sit down and write.
since using the tablet,, i dont use the laptop as much as i used to. only for assignments,, movies,, himym and L word. ;)

though i gotta admit. i do miss writing.
pouring my heart out without a care in the world of what anybody would think.
plus i no suck at writing and speaking in english since i practice it less and less everyday. ;(

currently in jb. no class for this semester. just business plan. (final project paper).
so meetings with the group members and adviser every now and then. therefore i have a lot of free time that i can make use of. instead,, me being me,, i spent most of the time with friends. doing things that are not actually useful. haha.

i dont even want to begin to talk about love life. so that's that.

am going to universal studio singapore for the second time in two days.
but this time with a few of college friends.
i have a feeling it will be legendary. =)

you see. im actually out of ideas of what to write. the inspiration to write is just not there anymore.
hmmm.
what have i become.

death is everywhere.

i found out i lost a friend today.

funny thing,, even though kita tak rapat dgan someone,,

but ble dapat tau that someone is gone forever,, hati still rasa pilu.

masa tu laa baru nak teringat all the time spent together.

sayu gila rasa.

wani. a friend from kelana puteri.

we practically stayed under the same roof. even for a short while.

she had an accident. motor and kereta. baru balik dari pasar malam.

its been a while since i saw her,, or even contacted her for that matter.

she's my age. such a young age. banyak lagi tak dapat rasa dalam dunia nie.

but God loves her more.

to wani : eff mintak maaf if selama nie ada salah silap. tak dapat nak mintak maaf betul2 dgan wanie.

kitorg akan rindu wani. kepala gila wani. manja2 wani.

sedih sangat hilang kawan macam wani. semoga wani ditempatkan dengan orang2 yang beriman. amin.

to the others : Allah boleh ambil nyawa kita or siapa2 je bila2 dy nak.

we may never know. therefore,, always ask for forgiveness,, and always forgive the others.

sihat macam mana pun tubuh badan,, kalau umur pendek,, takbley nak cakap apa2.

so dear readers,, please forgive me for any mistakes at all.

and when will we ever learn ?!

tolong lah carefull sikit dkat jalan raya tu.

tak payah nak show off bawak laju2 bagai.

sometimes kita tak buat salah tapi orang laen bley jadi careless. mabuk or whatsoever.

so just drive slowly,, insyallah selamat.

till then.

Al Fatihah utk arwah Wani.

i use to do this everyday back in 2009.

When did you last cry?
last night. kot. haha.

What was the reason you last cried?
its kinda personal. :) yheapp. some secrets need to be kept.

Do you consider yourself and emotional person?
come to think of it,, yeahh. i can be one sometimes. especially when om alone. heh.

Does anything hurt on your body?
idts.

Any current scabs or bruises?
nope.

Ever tripped over your own feet?
haha. yeah2. macam la kau tak pernah kan.

How long has it been since you took vitamins?
i take them everyday. ;)

When is the last time you took medicine?
uhh. few days back. gastric pain.

What was the medicine for?
ohh terjawab in advance tdy. gastric.

Ever had any illnesses or diseases?
just normal flu and fever every now and then.

Do you get headaches often?
yeah.

Do you have health insurance?
no.

Do you want plastic surgery?
why would i ?

If it was free, what 1 thing would you have done?
uuhhhh. kalau free lah kan. lipo. HAHA !

How much do you think it costs to have a boob job?
dont know. dont care.

Do you have or want any tattoo's?
no. and no.

Would you consider permanent make-up?
no. geez.

What do you think is the perfect age to start having children?
im not sure.

How many children would you like to have?
none ?

Do you already have names picked out of your future children?
i dont want kids.

How effective is the pull out method when it comes to birth control?
idk.

Do you get along better with your mom or dad?
mamaaaa. :)

When did you last speak to a family member?
mama. like 20 minutes ago ?

How much do you spend on your parents for Christmas?
not celebrating.

Will you raise your children how you were raised?
if there were any.

Are you a Christian?
muslim and proud.

Do you consider yourself to be religious?
not so.

Are you saving your money for any big purchase right now?
kinda.

If you were given 1k dollars and had to use it on 1 purchase, what would you buy?
no money no talk. ;)