i hate you,,man.

a complete stranger,,
all of the sudden tells you what to do.
and thinks that they have control of you.
as if they know everything about you.
well,, fuck off.
you want my respect,, you have to earn it !
you maybe somebody to my mom.
but hear me,, you are NOBODY to me.
i love my mom,, not you.
and for now,, i have no reason to even like you.
so,, again,, FUCK OFF !

you think im just gonna sit here.
and just suck up your bullshits ?
well,, you're dumb right wrong,,dude.
if i ever decided to make peace with you,, its only because of mama.
and she deserves only the best.
frankly,, i dont think you are the best,, which i hope my mom would finally realize one day.
you may fool her,, but you aint gonna mess with me,, asshole.
really,,
you've declared war with me after what you said to me yesterday.
so,, bring it !

guys will always be guys huh ?
pfft.
i am a feminist.
i am gay.
i am sexist.
you are so dealing with the wrong bitch.
and yess,, im a can be a bitch when anyone messes with my loved ones.

so take this as a warning.
you dont want to mess with me,, trust me on this.
coz mama is the only person that matters most.

and mama,,
im sorry.
i dont know how much longger i can stand this shit.
u wanna be with him,, fine.
its your life.
and i love you. but just leave me out of it,, okay ?
its so fucked up when we have to fight over a stranger.
he's not even worthit.
i try to talk to u about it,, but you wouldnt listen !
im goin nuts,,mama.
really.
so im just gonna mind my own business.
but that doesnt mean that i dont love you.

i love you. so much.
more than anyone in the world.
i hope u know that.

have you seen that girl ?

sometimes i wish that i can be sure of what i really want.
coz having to have to wait for something really sucks.
it gets more fucked up when you want something that you just cant have.
have u ever get that feeling ?
of wanting something so badly that you'd do just about anything to get it,,
but getting it is almost too impossible ?

*sighs.
im in jb.
staying for the weekend.
till teusday maybe,, merdeka holiday. pfft.

or i might as well stay till raya.
its just gonna be another week of class before hari raya break anyway.
and most class has not even started yet.
so whats the point of going back.
other than seing my friends.
hangging with them.
boy,,i miss them already.
haha.

so well.
studies : okay laa. scored 3.3 last sem.
still cant live up to mama's expectation.
she's expacting me to get 4 flat. whattafuck right.
but whatever. i know i did my best. and im proud of myself.
enuff said.

family : okayy jgak laa. flaws here and there.but thats normal.
we're getting back on our feet.

friends : GREAT !

self-control : being shitty. getting fatter. but whattaheck. i dont really give a damn.

lovelife : same ol'. still single ! haha.

anyways.
recent addiction : have you seen that girl by lee ann womack.
i could really connect to the lyrics ! ;D

Innocent, Confident
With a hint of curiosity and an air of what you see is what you get
fun to be around
Laugh at herself
Never worried
Life is short but whats the hurry
Bright-eyed and ready to take on the world

Have you seen that girl
That everybody says I used to be
Have you seen that girl
Where along the way did I lose me?
Have you seen that girl

She was full of life
Looked on the brighter side
If it was worth a chance she'd take it
Said that life is what you make it
But a few wrong moves led to a few wrong turns
And once your burned your not the same
You tend to shy from the flame
I hate to think shes givin up her dream

Have you seen that girl
That everybody says I used to be
Have you seen that girl
Where along the way did I lose me
Have you seen that girl
Where along the way did I lose me
Have you seen that girl

got it from the L word season6 last episode - the last word.
jenny died. yea,, she turned out to be a bitch towards the end. but it still didnt stop me from shedding some tears. haha.
enuff with the L word already ! GOSH. im so obsessed. that i've actually watched all six seasons for four fuckin times. haha.
hoping that me and her would turned out to be like bette and tina. just like she used to said.
*sighs.

she called the other day.
just when i was just about to forget about her.
but i was fine. i could talk to her without being nervous or anything.
she sounded sad though.
she said she misses me.
it sounded so true and real.
but fuck it.
it was just for one split second.
and then,, here we are.
back to reality.
pfft.
imyt.

and boo. the other day i was thinking about you all day long.
i fuckin miss u. and i hope u're doin fine.
imissyouu. sgt3.

off to bed.

girlsssss.

Hoi laa pompuannnnn. Apesal laaa pompuan ske sgat ngumpat ? Tak puas hati ckap dpan2 laa bhai. Takkan takot kot ? Nak kutok2 gua blakang2 tak reti takot plak ? Kao ade masalah ke kalao aku kasar2 mcm nie ? Ske hati aku laa nak kawan dgan sape,, nak lepaq dgan sape2 pon kan. Mmg mmber aku mostly lelaki. Kao ade masalah ke ? Nak ckap aku bohsia plakkkk. Kao kenal aku pon tak,, nak judge2 mcm tu kannn. Tlg la wey jgn jadi closed minded. Ni laa antara sbb aku lbey ske bkawan dgan lelaki. Kalao dgan pompuan nie ade je tak puas hati. Haihhhh. Its none of your fuckin business in the first place. if im gay. If i smoke. If i drink. Why in the world should u even give a shit when you're nobody to me ? Kalao lu nak jadi baek,, nak nasehat bukan gua takbley terima. Ckap laa dpan2. Ni citer blakang2 ape barang bhaiiiii ? Panasss ah ! Im not againts closed minded people. This is msia,, and we're still bound to the adat and all. I get it. But its my choice to be open minded,, so please respect me. And i will do the same.

"i sayang you" katanye.

to whom it may concern,,

its too soon to be saying 'i love you'.
i gotta admit though,,
i think im falling for you.

your presence around me makes me feel so warm and cozy.
but its not that long since we've known each other.
so,, like you said.
i think its best that we get to know a lil bit better of each other,,
before we take it to the next level.
i need to figure some shit out.
i need to make sure of what i really want.

idk whether its right to say this.
but being around youu takes me back to when i was with meen.
you really reminded me of her.
im not comparing or anything.
but yeah,, you are so much like her.

anyhow,, im sorry.
i think its best that we wait and let things flow for a while.
i know you got some stuff you need to figure out too.

but fuck it. IMISSYOUU !
cant wait to see u again.

falling for youuuu. ;D

so. fasting month's here.
today's the 2nd day. ;)
before we know it,, raya will be just around the corner.
yeayyy. =)

when i think about it,,
this time last year,, my life was perfect.
haha.
was still with her. was getting to know mier.
it was great really.

but this year aint that bad either.
im surrounded by crazy peeps known as my classmates.
haha.
new sem starts monday next week.
i guess we wont be hanging around klana mall anymore,,
as unitar changed its venue to mentari,,sunway.
hopefully evrything'll work out well.

just when i thought i could never get back on my feet,,
evrything turned out okay.
there's always a silver lining i guess.

im starting to feel again.
xD

all the love in the world.

friends.
there are all sorts of friends.
and ive come across so many types of people.
theaches me a thing or two about life.
there are things that are better off be kept as a secret.
there are things that should be out in the open.
sometimes white lies are nesscesary.
sometimes lying is the best solution.
sometimes we should just come clean about stuff,, no matter how bad it is.

friends.
im not gonna lie.
i do have a lot of friends.
bestfriends,, close friends,, party peeps,, pet peeves and just plain friends.
some are true friends,, that i dont think that i can ever replace.
some are backstabbers,, whom i no longger call my friend.
some comes and go.

these few people in my life.
that preety much changed me in so many ways.

firstly;
fatimah mahanom mohamed.
mama.
you are my mom.
but also my bestfriend.
since birth.
you know everything there is to know about me.
you know me best.
yeah,, we fight a lot lately.
a damn lot.
but theres not a single minute that i hate youu,,ma.
iloveyouu. and i'll always love youu as long as im breathing.
you always comes first in my love dictionary.

no doubt;
muhammad farouk zainol kamal.
bro.
that i would also call my friend.
we have no secrets right ?
haha.
mase kecik bercekau je keje.
bertumbok,, naek tangan,, kaki sume laa.
mama hanta taekwondo mmg utk kite sparring dkat ruma.
weapon : penyapu and ridsect can.
haha.
but dah besar nie,, bru nak rapat.
u turned out to be the best brother any sister could ever wish for.
and im proud of the person you've become.
iloveyouu bro.

julia jailer;
akak.
my rabbit sister.
;D your love and care for me is always showing.
with all the things thats been going on,, im sorry i cant visit you and the kids more often these days.
but i do miss youu.
the coolest sister everr.
im glad that YOU are my sister.
coz i can tell practically anything to youu.
just about everything,,in fact.
i guess the bond between two sisters are always gonna be strong. ;)

nevertheless;
ninnah kamilah asmoni.
nin.
youre my bestfriend.
some people misused the term bff.
bestfriends forever.
but you,,dear,, deserves it more than anyone else.
bfff as a matter affect.
since form1 was it ?
even though we became close in our fifteens.
all the crazy shit during highschool.
haha. makes me laugh when i think about it.
i'll never forget you,, nor all the things that you helped me through.
iloveyou,,and i can never thank you enough.

then;
nawal nadia azimuddin.
naw.
we've known each other since standard6.
thats primary school.
and i think you're by far the longgest friendship i've salvaged.
we've salvaged.
camping at semenyih. haha. ;)
we may not be as close as before. we have our own lives now.
different directions for each of us.
but im glad we're still here for each other.
iloveyouu naw. and imissyouu like crazy babe.
i miss the three of us.

of course;
mohamad helmi.
jack.
youre like a brother to me.
never knew that my feelings from admiring youu could evolve
to loving youu !
you've helped me emotionally.
a good advisor. a great listener.
no doubt the best boyfriend. ;D
the sleepovers. haha. a memory i'll treasure,,sygg.
i miss those good old days.

honey;
zettira farhanna zawawee.
zett sygggggg.
haha. where do even begin.
my first roomie.
mule2 tgok mcm kerek,, rupe2nye masok air minah nie.
heeee. these 4 years that ive known youu,,
i never regret even a single second of it.
kite gadowh pon,, youre still my best girlfie.
that crazy drunken night when we....
ahah. nevermind.
you believed in me. and you were the only one who shed some light
when she and everyone else were lying straight to my face.
i can never thank youu.

siti nazirah;
angahhh.
angahngahhhh. ;D
at one time we were so damn close.
tak jumpe sehari tak sah kann ? haha.
club same2,, mabok sme2,, pengsan dlm toilet sme2.
haha. okayy. it was just me. but she helped out. luckily she was there.
flaming lamborghini itu wajibbbb ! haha.
imissyouu,, friend.
i miss our fun times. and i'll never forget the things you've done for me.
i think ive never had a chance to say thank youu.
so thank youu. ;D hope to see u soon.

then.
muhammad khaidier asyraff.
acap.
acapannnn. ;)
we didnt know each other for that long.
but during this short period of time,, we became
extremely close.
and i gotta admit ive never been this close to a guy before.
youre indeed a great friend,,bro.
off lately,, all the crazy stuff i did,, was all with youu.
genting,, melaka,, andarlus. haha. you name it.
club je tak perna lagi. aku dah retire. haha.
but youve helped me. a damn lot.
so thank youu so berry3 much.

eka shah. (haha. taknak mention name u,, nty u mara)
boo.
alot of things happened.
none the less,, u were there,, lifting my spirits up
when i was so fragile,, breaking up with her.
i'll never forget that.
i sayang youu. even as my dear friend je.
i do. iloveyouu.
and imissyouu.

and then theres a few close friends,, of course.
rezal,,sham,, korg pon bnyk tolong aku jgak. so thxx a bunch ! ;)
shammm aku rndu kao !

new friends whom are just beginning to get to know me.
muiz,,pojan,, shahrul,, syahrul,, syafiq,, safwan,, erni,, faisal,, aiman,, rasyid. korg bnyk tlg i with the assgnments and all. haha. assgnments la sgt kann.
in a way,, lepaq dgan korg bwat i happy jgak.
u guys always reminds me that im never alone. hee.
missing ya'll.

and those friends yg at 1 point pernah rapat.
DQS uitm especially koein,,wawan,, ina and yaya.
buka puasa same2 kannn. ;)
tak puase pon sme2. haha.
rndu korg.
tak tao apesal ow. skrg tgah mood nak rndu semua org je ! haihhhh.
ble nak jmpe lagi nie ?

there it is.
i may left some names.
but kalao letak nty panjangg sgt lahh blog nie.
bukan nak bangga2kan sgt mmber2. but truth been said
that these are the people that helped me when i needed help.
they are closer to me than my family is sometimes.
and this is my way of telling them how much i appriciate them.

xoxo.

more Q & A !

I have been in love: TRUE.
I have dumped someone:TRUE.
I have been dumped:TRUE.
I have had a secret admirer:TRUE.
I have had a crush on a much older person:NO.
I have slept with a co-worker or boss:FALSE.
I have been in an abusive relationship:TRUE.
I have had a crush on a MySpace friend:TRUE.
I have met someone because of MySpace:TRUE.
I have drank liquor:TRUE.
I have drank beer:TRUE.
I have drank wine:FALSE.
I have smoked a cigarette:DUHH. TRUE.
I have smoked a cigar:TRUE.
I have smoked weed:TRUE.
I have thrown up from drinking:TRUE.
I have blacked out from drinking:TRUE.
I have taken pain killers:TRUE.
I have been suspended from school:FALSE.
I have had detention:FALSE.
I have been in a car accident:FALSE.
I have seen someone or something die:FALSE.
I have been robbed or vandalized:FALSE.
I have skipped class: TRUE. ;)
I have been fired:FALSE.
I have been in a fist fight:TRUE.
I have fallen asleep at work or school:FALSE.
I have watched the sun set:FALSE.
I have felt an earthquake:FALSE.
I have won a contest:TRUE.
I have sang karaoke in public:TRUE.
I have laid on my back and watched cloud shapes pass by:TRUE.
I have been ice skating: TRUE.
I have flown a kite:TRUE.
I have had a tea party:FALSE.
I have built a sand castle:FALSE.
I have played poker:TRUE.
I have cheated while playing a game:TRUE.
I have had braces:FALSE.
I have witnessed a crime:TRUE.
I have squished barefoot through mud:TRUE.
I have swam in the ocean:TRUE.
I have felt like I was dying:TRUE.
I have cried myself to sleep:TRUE.
I have played cops and robbers:TRUE.
I have played a Nintendo Wii:FALSE.
I watch American Idol: TRUE.
I have paid for a meal with only coins:FALSE.
I have made a prank phone call:TRUE.
I have kissed in the rain:FALSE.
I had a wish come true:TRUE.
I have been humped by a dog on the leg:FALSE. wtf.
I have jumped off a bridge:FALSE.
I have screamed "penis" or "vagina":FALSE. hahaahaha.
I have gotten a speeding ticket:TRUE.
I have sat on a roof top:TRUE.
I have screamed at the top of my lungs:TRUE.
I have talked on the phone more than 6 hours at a time:FALSE.
I believe in ghosts:TRUE.
I have been inside a jail:TRUE.
I have jumped in a pool with all my clothes on:TRUE.
I have broken a bone:TRUE.
I have rode a rollercoaster:TRUE.
I have been scuba diving:TRUE.
I have fallen going up stairs: going down actually. haha.
I have been shot: FALSE.
I have flattened someones tires:FALSE.
I have been in a car that ran out of gas:FALSE.

i know i shouldnt,, but i still do.

goodbye my almost lover,,
goodbye my hopeless dream,,
im trying not to think about you.
cant you just let me be.
so long my luckless romance.
my back has turned on you.
should i known you'd bring me heartache,,
almost lovers always do.

jayyy-to-the-beeee !

hey heyy heyyyy !
first off,, welcome august !
hope this will be a better month for me.
ramadhan is coming really soon.
thought of fasting tmorrow. just to prepare.
heh.

back in jB baby !
haha. rase mcm dah lame sgt3 tak balek.
a damn lot has changed.
jalan pon dah berubah. boley sesat wowowo.
;D
a very warm welcome from mama.
she made chilli with garlic bread. awww.
thxx mama. knyggg. ;D
haha. and theres durian in the fridge.
DURIAN !!! heeeee. happy ow.
its nice to feel im actually home.
hm.

anyways,,
tuesday,, 27th of july 2010.

acap : "nak pergi mane ea ? aku bosan dah laa area subang and kL."
me : "tao tao laa dow. aku bosan jgak. jom pergi tempat laen ! "
acap : "mane ?"
just a few hours back zett,, my friend called me up. kinda missing her. its been ages since we hang out. so i suggested melaka. yeahhh.

we went to melaka. believe it. more spontanious,, ridiculous,, thrilling activity by us.
after a fine dining at strawberry field,, taipan,, we made our way.
thought about *lee. he was at uniten,, and we could really pick him up as it was on the way.
and he said he's in,, so there we were at uniten,, making our way.

boley plak acap lupe isi mnyk. and we were already in the highway.
and the nearest gas station was at seremban.
acap was speeding like hell. haha.
me and lee was silent then ever. semua org nak chuak. haha.
agak2 laa wey. it was almost 12 that time.
midnite.
but well,, we made it. ;)

so another hour from seremban to alor gajah.
and zett said she would wait for me at wthe restaurant we ussually hang.
along with torok,, arab,, din and a bunch of other dudes i barely know.
so we arrived.

had a drink. and torok suggested to go to melakaraya.
as alor gajah was not lively AT ALL after 12. haha.
didnt know how i managed to survive there for two fuckin years.

zett wanted to go back home first before making our moves.
so went to taman intekma,, my former neighbourhood when i was living there.

i thought i'd meet up with meen for a while.
not to hang out,, but just to see her.
even for a minute.

so yeahh.
i went to see her. as she was living around that area as well.
no harm to see how ur ex is doing right ?
i mean its been months since ive seen her.
so much have changed.
idk. maybe i was all wrong.
maybe i wasnt myself that night.
acap and rezal was sooooo mad when i told them i wanted to see her.
but. whattahell. being me,, being the stubborn-me.
haha.

so i met her at the alley.
she came to me.
gosh,, what can i say. i wasnt nervous at all.
i wasnt shaking and sweating like hell,, like i used to,, the very last time i saw her. pfft.
i smiled and said "heyy."
she shaked my hands.
wierd that i felt nothing.
hm. we hugged.
the way she hugged me,,though. hm.
it was okay at first,, but then she held me tighter.
i was wishing i could stop the time.
fuck. i was missing her aite.
dont get me wrong. im soooo over her. and i wasnt hoping at all.
;)
she was wearing the tee i bought her,, and a sweater.
and it was drizzling so she took it off and give it to me.
but i didnt take it.
i just asked if she was doing okay.
and thats it. the rain was getting heavier,, so i excused myself.
plus my friends were waiting.
it was less than 5 minutes. but i didnt regret it at all.
im glad to be seing her again.
she seemed okay.
her hair was getting longger though.
hm. its hard to put how i felt that night in words.
so maybe i'll just keep it to myself.

anyways,, we went to melakaraya.
clubs were closing by then. it was half past two.
so,, torok took us to this stall where they made the best asam pedas.
;D
and i mean THE BEST !
;)
hanged out till bout 4.30.
did some catchups with my melaka peeps.
and we went back around 5,, after sending zett back.
arrived back to uniten around 6.
hanged again at putrajaya till 7.
and then acap sent me home.

another wild night.
;D
another me doing crazy stuff.
what's next ?
im sensing ulu yam,, or maybe ipoh ?
haha. we'll see.