heart,, be prepared to shattered !

dear blog,,
we skipped work today.me and farouk.hm. feeling very tired.
im feeling very very tired.physically and emotionally.im tired of working,, tired of studying,,tired of cleaning,, tired of sleeping,,tired of eating,, tired of pleasing,,tired of everything.im tired of life.
maybe im just one of those few who cant stand life.who cant handle problems,, and obstacles.i thought i could.i used to be so strong.stronger than anyone else i know.but not,, i just feel like giving up all the time.giving up on everything.

its like im just waiting for my time to go.
maybe its time for me to leave.idk.it feels like theres no place for me on earth anymore.


well,, i like living in melaka with meen.she cheers me up always.she's my crying shoulder.the only one who understands me.but i cant be with her without hurting mama.so i came back to jb.
still,, to her,, everything that i do or say is wrong.theres not a single day that we did not fight.and everytime,, its me who backs off.she doesnt care.she doesnt care if im not happy.she doesnt care if i cry myself to sleep.she doesnt care if im sick.she doesnt care bout me.


is it my fault to consider what i did as a sacrifice i made ?not living my happy life so that she wont get hurt ?i think about this every single second im here.i packed my bags countless times to go back to melaka,,but farouk would stop me.'think bout mama' he'd say.or is it the voice in my head.im not sure.


i hate thinking that im stuck here.this should feel like home.but why the fuck does it feels like a temp.maybe,, idkjust maybe if she starts treating me nicely again,,and not as a dog,, i'd feel more comfortable.


oh god,, please give me strength.no one knows how many times i thought about suicide.i keep a knife in my bag,, with me always.just in case life's just getting too tough.i feel so alone.


why ?


i have a lot of friends,,im surrounded by the family.but everything is far from perfect.i dont feel any love.except from meen.but no one understands that.feels like everyone hates us being with each other.

fuck. fuck. fuck !


feels like ive been knocked down,, spit on,,stepped on,, kicked,, and i cant get back up.and like i dont even wanna find the strength to get up.

life for rent.

first off !

happy new year 2010 !

somehow,, i have a syrong feeling that this year would be a bad one.
a bad one indeed.
pfft.

i quit uitm,, well not officially.
but i think i got kicked out for not attending my finals last semester.
but whateverr lahh.
im currently at jb.

started working today.
at a&w bukit indah.
damn tiring.
i would love just to quit.

but i promised myself to work my ass out.
to earn money.
to buy a car.
my car.
on my name.
hm.

been fighting with mama ever since i got home from mlaka.
its like evrything that i do and say is wrong.
and she takes it very personally.

i really dont know how much longger i can stand all these bullshit lahh.
im going out of my mind staying here.
fuck lahh !

weeeeeeeeeee !

wahaha.
back again.

and,, my myspace acc is still active,, for some reason.
haha.
funny thing right.
penatt je nanges.

am going back to melaka tomorrow.
cant wait to see meen.

i know its only been 1 month,,
but it feels like years.

god i miss her !

khatimah cinta.

hey youu.

i did something that i never thought i would today.
i deleted my myspace account.
yea,, that account which ive had it since i was in form 3.

i did.

i've deleted it.

meen got jelous,, reading my comments with other people.
other butches,, to be exact.

hm. she said i was flirting with people to much.
i was.

was i ?

maybe,, yea.
i would never admit this to her,, my pride is too high.

but yea,, i was flirting.
but i knew that i would NEVER go anywhere with them.

i was just fooling around.
and i never denied the fact that im taken by someone.

why do i do it,, she asked.
is she not good enough for me she said.

of course u are,, saayang.

i dont need anyone else like i need youu.
no,, i dont.

maybe i just love the attention.
i like it when people comment my pictures saying i am preety and all.

i need that to feel confident.

i'd like to know that people likes me.
that my personality can get along fine with other people.

i like to be looking foward to new comments when i log in.

hm.

she just couldnt accept that.
she made me choose.
her or to flirt around with other people.

i told her,, i thought i was okay for me to fool around,,
coz i know my limits right.

seems that its just not good enough for her.

so,, i deleted my account.
my account that i built so hard for years.

ive almost reached 1000 friends.
haha.
i had over 1600 comments.
X)

i'll just keep it as another memory now lahh.

if my sadnessis the price to pay
for my loved ones happiness,,
so be it.

like meen,, she'll have nothing to be jelous or mad about after this.

like mama,, she's so much happier when she gets me for herself.

and like everyone else,, they're so much happier when i had to sneak around to smoke,, or drink or club.

i just wanna say one thing though,,

hasnt it ever occur to u guys that these are the things that i simply like to do.
that i simply love to do.
coz it makes me feels good bout myself.
and that its just me,, apart of me.

and by stopping me doing all these things,, it just means that u are not accepting me for who i truly am.
and u guys are simply asking me to change.

*sighs.

anyways,, im listening to this new song i downloaded.
its called 'khatimah cinta' ny 6ixth sense.
im listening to it over and over again.
the lyrics is just so beautiful.



oh tidur malam nyanyikan lagu rindu hatiku yang terpanah
oh bintang malam lukis wajahku katakan aku pergi
genggamlah cinta yang ku berikan simpanlah slalu dalam hati
ku akan slalu dalam mimpimu menemani tidurmu
sudahlah sudah ku harus pergi
jangan kau tangisi aku lagi
biarku bawa sluruh cintamu
ku dakap dalam tidur panjangku
peluk tubuhku kecup keningku
relakan saja aku pergi

my way on the highway !

heyy heyy.
back again. after so long.
yea,, im officially 20 now.

just had my birthday few days ago.



so here's the deal.

im back together with meen.

yea,, u must be wonderin how on earth did that happened.

hm. where do i begin.
she fucked up,, and so did i.
and in the end i decided that i cant live without her.
i simply refuse to let her go.
i guess its true then.
what they say.
u'll never know what u got till its gone.

i took meen for granted.
i learnt my lesson.

we're together again.
yea,, there's still fights going on every now and then
as i cant yet forgive what she did with that bitch.
but i look at it simply as the ups and downs of a relationship.

i love her too much to let her go.
i rather suffer.

we've got bigger problems to handle now.
idk how to put it.

just when i thought that we can be together peacefully again,,
hm.
well,, i dont think i can take meen home with me again.
at least not with my mom here.
she doesnt like it when i spend too much time with meen.
i guess she wants all the attention to herself.

yea.
and i cant go back to meen's house,, coz,,
truth be told,, her sister hates me.
and so does her uncle.

but what the fuck right.
im gonna do it my way.
you people dont like us being together?
guess again.

we are gonna be together !
X)
yea.

as for my studies,, haha.
just forget about it.

hm.
till then,, i'll write again soon.

xoxo.