miracle happens once in a while.

*tarik nafas dalam2. coz this is gonna be one long post.

i couldnt sleep.

first : the air cond broke down. tetibe buat hal pulak. padahal baru je servis.

not to say im gedik or anything. tp dah biasa. so malam nie mcm panas sikit,, i'd rather tak tido.

hopefully esok dah biasa,, so boleh tdo. pfft.

secondly,, im like addicted to this series HIMYM.

HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER.

my brother got hold of the whole 6 seasons from the beginning,, so

memang layan citer nie je lah memanjang. which lead me to the third reason why i cant sleep.

thirdly : i cant miss class tmorrow. i really3 cant.

its garde manger. and my garde manger was supposed to be on monday,,

which i didnt attend,, due to overslept,, because i slept at 5 am the night before,, because i was watching HIMYM. and completing some assgnments.

okay people,, including last monday,, i've missed 4 garde manger classes. IN A ROW.

thats 4 weeks equivalent to a whole month !

HOWEVER,, 1 class was canceled by the lecturer,, and i was on MC for another class and that leaves us with two classes. tomorrow i'm attending his class (with another group - also my classmates) so that made me absent for only one of his class. right ?

still,, i got the feeling he's gonna be nagging and asking,, and nagging,, and nagging.

i got kinda freaked out. and here i am blogging my heart out.

just hope that everything will go well tomorrow.

so I CANT SLEEP !

i cant miss his class again.

yeah,, another thing,, my samsung phone dah rosak. i didnt even get a chance to copy all the important numbers.

well,, its time anyway. brapa tahun dah pakai fone tu. brape kali jatuh dah. berenang dlm air tembikai pun pernah. heee.

so.

what am i supposed to say tmorrow ?

what excuse can possibly make up for absence of four classes in a row ?!

gahhhh !

it kills me. im so dead tomorrow.

i mean he could bar me. he really could.

coz those 3 weeks,, i missed a lot. most if the chapters would be up in the final exams.

so i might as well drop the paper right ?

oh well,, just see how it goes 2mrw.

pray for me,, guys. =/

another thing. i kinda think that i havent been letting my stress out lately.

i mean,, i dont talk to people so much,, coz most of my problems are quite personal.

so i smoke. i smoke and smoke and smoke. (cigarettes) until the other day,, i puked my lungs out before i go to sleep. and fuck it,, my chest hurts so much that time.

it got really hard to breath.

macam semput pun ada jugak.

and my temper (oh the temper).

i got upset and mad like every single day now.

hari2 mengamuk. tumbuk dinding. tiang lampu. campak barang.

most of the time sebab bende kecik je.

sometimes i just feel like im going out of my mind.

and yess,, sygg sy tu la asek terkena tempias nye.

im sorry bie. bare with me okay.

what should i do ?

stress is building itself inside of me and i dont know how to get rid of it.

sometimes i just cant control my emotions,, i cried.

even over the smallest things.

i dont know. *sighs.

i hope things'll change soon.

who knows. miracle comes in the form of something we wont even realize.

* i believe in miracles now ? whoaaa. pfft.

lemah. lemau. lelah.

tiba2 perasaan nak stone membuak2.

cmne ?!

chop coriander nampak ganja.

chop mint leaves nampak weed.

hadoiiii.

*ohh 'perasaan' ini,, sila pergi jauh2.

kau telah lama ku tinggalkan.

hishhhhhh.

tgan mula menggatal msg tny org sana sini.

self reminder : STOP IT JGAN NAK MENGADA !

jantan cilaka.

imagine you're me okay.

a stranger,, u've met for a day,,

and u have to be nice to him,, coz he's a friend of ur mom.

he comes to u,, and starts to advice you about life.

first off : "why do you smoke ? you should really quit."

by all means,, its non of his effin' business. but its about health and shit. its a positive thing i guess.

so i took it quite positively.

next : "why do you eat so much ? you should go to gym. exercise. if you use the track mill everyday,, in three weeks,, you will look like me."

first things first dude,, you DONT look that great. you dont even look healthy. perut kau tu tak buncit pulak. ?

so i answered : "what makes you think i want to be like you ? i am comfortable as i am"

dia mengeluh and terdiam kjap. tak puas hati aku degil lah tu.

deyy,, i am not going to slim down to impress anyone. if i AM going to do it,, its going to be for myself. not for anyone. let alone a stranger like you !

and then he start saying about health and shit again. "i just want you to be healthy and all".

bukan nak bongkak tapi aku rasa aku nie jarang sakit. kalau g clinic pun check up takde ape2.

so what ever. i dodge that one as well.

the third one : "u're 21. u have to start using ur head. start thinking about ur future. marriage. kids."

WHATDAFUCK ! yg ni aku tak boleh terima. kau kenal aku pun tak,, ada hati nak ckap cmnie !

aku terus potong cakap dia.

"listen to me bro,, ever since i was a kid,, i never imagined myself getting married,, or having kids. when i say the word 'future',, i imagine a good,, stable career with a house and a car of my own,, and my mom's face saying she's proud of me. i dont see any man in 'future'."

and then he started telling me not to be too close to arm. he doesnt want b to be a lesbian.

so i said :

"why do people always condemned gay people. WE are not the ones who kills. WE are not the ones who steal. WE are not the ones who rape. WE never interrupt other people's lives. so why wont you people leave us alone ?!"

and then he started talking about God and Religion. haaa. nie takbley blah. aku tak sure pon foreigner nie Islam ke tak.

but because my mom was nearby,, and aku nak jaga hati dia. so pekak kan telinga and ulang balik ape yg aku ckap. tak guna jugak nak explain dgan org cmnie. dy bukan tau apa2 pun.

the next day,, i had a big fight wih my mom. aku tak tahu laa ape jantan nie dah ckap dgan mama. but suddenly mama angen dgan aku.

is it my fuckin fault defending my rights and my life ?

idk what he did and say. but he succeeded. aku gaduh dgan mama. brapa hr dah tak bcakap nie.

serabut kepala otak nie. haihhhhh. ceritanya jauh lagi complicated dr ape yg aku tulis nie sbenanye.

tapi ada benda2 yg aku rasa aku taknak ceritakan in public sbb taknak mengaibkan sapa2.

so let it be. nak smoke sampai mati.

mourning his death.

***playing : i miss you - miley cyrus***

CASPER / ATEH / BABY

in loving memory.

31st Oct 2010 - 20 Sept 2011.

forever in my heart,,baby. irreplaceable. i hope you know that you are loved and forever will be loved.

='(

have fun in heaven.

my worst mistake which im GLAD i can address as a past tense.

i met epy last night and i got my stuff back from asshole meen.

obviously not all of them. takkan baju aku tiga helai je,,babi ?

ade pulak terselit ntah spender sape and tank top sape ntah. i know it wasnt mine.

nampak sangat kao dah nyanyuk kan ?

and for ur info,, dear readers,,

i threw it all away. because it was contaminated by this freak.

yes,, kao sangat keji sampai mcm tu skali.

you're a piece of shit. no wait. scratch that.

u're not even at the same level as shit. like a million times lower than that.

so,, reader. this will be my last post about

NUR ATHIRA SYAKINA BT JUHAIDI YEAN LAI JOO

I/C : 890925-14-xingt.

244 kg chicha kubang krian Kelantan.

* a lil joke for naz. HAHA. credit to her for this. =)

so lepas nie SUMPAH aku takkan nak mencemarkan blog aku dgan nama kao lagi. yeay !

im doing this pon because it feels damn good to let it out of my chest.

utk pengetahuan semua,,

minah or mamat or minah perasan mamat nie is a big time FREAK.

she's a psycho.

and a freak.

oh did i mention that she's a freak ?

otak undeveloped and sorry to say,, tak berapa pandai. * wait im not sorry at all. mmg dy bodoh pon*

masok uitm pon sbb bapak org berpengaruh.

actually there's so so so much shit i can say about her.

because,, well,, she's just so full of shit.

but i think i wont.

because that would make me just like you.

i am educated and civilized so im not going to mention all the PRIVATE things in the past.

but i'll tell u this.

KAU TAKKAN BERJAYA DALAM HIDUP KAU !

because that will be my last wish to God.

kau tak habes2 menganaiya orang.

menggunakan orang mcm aku.

demi ALLAH aku tak halalkan segala benda / duit / makan minum kau.

readers,, aku bnyk dosa,, aku tao.

nobody's perfect. and trust me,, im trying to redeem my self.

Insyallah boleh.

=)

thank you sainatulakma for always being there for me and understanding my lil life.

and thank you for showing me theres much more to life than alcohol,, drugs and clubs.

i love you with all my heart.

and for those yang ada ex bodoh mcm aku yang aku rase malu nak ngaku ex tu,,

remember this always :

never pick a fight with idiots,,

they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

nuff said.