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Monday, February 8, 2010

my bloody valentine.

hello february.
the month of love.

valentine's day.
valentine. what does that even mean?
hm,, i honestly dont know anymore.

17th of february 2008 0217 am : "farah,, would you be my girlfriend?"

17th of february 2009 0000 am : "happy one year ani,, bunge ! i hope that we'll have loads more ani to come. i love you."

17th of february 2010 : she'll be long gone.

i kinda have a feeling that im not gonna love this year's february so much. it used to be one of my favourite month in a year. well like i said,, used to.

however,, life must go on.
it doesnt end here.
theres no happy ending without any heartache right.
so,, yeah.
someone told me that you have to meet a few mistakes before you meet the right one.
used to think that she was the right one.
she was the one.

i am so really over her,,
but im not over it.
im not over our good old days.
im not over the things we did together.
and im so weak when it comes to all those littlest thing.

i just hope that in time,, i can actually find the strength to get rid of it.
i was deleting her pictures and everything about her from my laptop the other day.
and mama said that i should keep some of it.
she said "u are mad right now. but once you moved on,, and u get over everything,, they wouldnt seem that bad. look at me,, i dont even have a picture of your father."

well,, the truth is that i do not want to recall anything about her anymore.
she hurt me so bad,, scarred me so deep.
i dont think it will dissapear.
and i hate her for that.
i used to think that im always so strong.
that im somehow a superwoman.
didnt thought that someone could ever hurt me like she did.

because of her,, i cant trust anyone anymore.
so,, i'll just hope that in time,, i'll learn to trust and love again.
i mean couples breakups all the time right ?
im sure everyone has had their share of broken hearts.
and im sure that some even had to go through a tougher way.

two years is not a big of a deal.
its just two years right.
two wonderful years,, that deep inside i had known all along
would never last.
coz there's no forever.
yeah i believe time will heal everything.

so what im going through this years' v-day alone.
so what if she's no longger here on the 17th.
so what if she's gone.
so what.

im slowly transforming to a better person.
all for the good reason.
its a good thing.
i think.

meen is dead to me.
but dawun will always be in my heart.
i burried her there too deep inside.
maybe thats where she should stay.
doesnt mean that i cant make room for anyone else right.

dear blog,,
i set myself free today.
free from her.
yess,, im smiling while writing this.

we talked on the phone just now.
it was horrible.
somehow,, im not mad.
and im definitely not sad.
yeah,, im a lil surprised myself.

but i think i just realized that deep down im actually
relieved not being with her anymore.
instead of remembering bout all those great things,,
i thought about what i've missed out in my life these past 2 years.
what i lost,, and what i couldnt get because of her.

i dont blame her.
i dont blame myself either.
it was just a silly mistake,, that i had to go through in life.
and maybe,, just maybe
breaking up with her is the best thing that could have happened in my life.
it sure did thought me a lot.

the foremost is that it thought me to be stronger.
and definiteley not to ever depend on anyone anymore.

i think im over her.
and im over it.
im not mad anymore.
a lil' frustrated,, id have to agree.
but its fine.

she's just someone from my past.
she doesnt have my heart anymore.
she's just a memory.

i burned our bracelet today.
my way of letting go of the only thing ive been holding on to.
no more hoping,, no more regrets,,
no more weeping.
i am so free.

gonna make the most of it !