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Sunday, January 31, 2010

the whole fucking truth.

so here it goes.
the story of us breaking up.
i was so caught up in my own pathetic world,,
i didnt really get a chance to write it all down.
so here it goes.

wednesday 20th jan 2010 :
we had yet another arguement.
bout rena.
coz i found a folder that had something to do with her in meen's documents in my laptop.
and i freaked.
who wouldnt right.
so we argued.
and we didnt contact each other until later that night.
when i had to call her as she didnt call me.
(pergh,, ingt aku nie xde ego ke ?)

that was it,, she asked for a break up.
it surprised me,, that she wanted to break up over this small thing.
we had much bigger fights in the past but we still held on.
but this time,, she doesnt want to stick around anymore.
we talked for so long on the fone that night.
(habes laa crdt yg bru topup tu)
then when i just couldnt take it anymore,,
i asked her to stay.
i begged her not to go.
i plead her not to leave.
i appologized.
*sighs. she still determined to leave.
then i asked her whats really going on,, and if she had someone else behind my back.
she said yeah,, she has a crush on her classmate.
hancho hati laa siot,, x nanges plakk dengar kann.
i asked if anything had happened between them yet.
she said no,, because that girl is straight.
and thats it.
thats the excuse for asking a break up.
i just hung up the fone,, thinking everything will be okay in the morning.

thursday 21st jan 2010 :
i woke up around noon and checked my fone.
"we have to talk" - from dawun.
but no missed call or anything.
so i called her up,, she said she was in the class,, and she'd call me later on.
i waithed the whole day,, and yess,, finally she did call me.
around 10pm,, i think.
the way she talked to me,, i would never forget it.
so cruel,, so heartless,, so mean.
she never talked to me that way before.
like it was a fuckin pain in the ass to talk to me.
wtf right.
and i found out that she was actually in a car with my friend,, nisha.
heading to kL to pick up nisha's partner at kL sentral.
how come she didnt tell me.
they almost reached kL when she called.
she had like so much time to just take a while to send me a text that she were accompanying nisha to kl.
i was clueless and very much surprised.
and suspicious,, as u can imagine.
i know nisha. i know what she's like.
i know her past. but i dont want to talk bout it.
and i did told meen to kinda stay away from her.
at least when im not around.

so,, i was so mad.
i was screaming on the fone.
so was she.
we were screming at each other and obviously it wasnt going anywhere.
xpayahh ckap laa brape kali we hung up on each other that night.
i told her to come to jB so we could solve this. i need to see her face to face.
she said she'd come the next day.

friday 22nd jan 2010 :
we tried to talk nicely on the fone.
but it just wasnt working out.
i'd start cryning,, then she'll start screming.
so she said she was coming to jb later that night.
and cause it was too late and there were no bus,, she said she'd rent a car and she'll ask two of our friends to come along so that they could drive it.
okayy,, cool with me.
12 midnight and ther still hadnt make their move.
pkol brape nak smp kann.
and bile diorg da gerak,,
i found out that all of my friends are actually coming.

there were nad,, biey,, lynn,, danny,, eppy,, sue,, and 2 other girls i dont know.
great. why not bw 1 melaka tu je dtg to see we break up.

saturday 23rd jan 2010 :
they reache jB around 3 am.
they were hungry so i brought them to a restaurant to grab a bite to eat.
during that time,, she was seating beside me,, and we were pretending evrything was okay.

after that we head to danga bay and just hung out there.
i got my face to face talk with meen.
everyone else was out of sight.
she still insisted to break up even after i begged.
when i asked why,, its the same old answer.
'kamu x habis2 ungkit pasal rena.'
'asal kamu suke sgt flirt dgn peng2 laen ?'
'i cant accept that u had a crush on muffin last time.'
can u fucking believe it.
crush kann, dy fuck pompuan laen xpe pulakkk !

i knew something was wrong,, i knew her too well.
she wouldnt be acting like that unless she had someone else on the side.
so i asked again.
and it was the same answer : she's crushing on her classmate.

time tu jugak ad guard lalu and said we cant hang out at danga coz its closed.
so i had to bring them home.
we just hang by the pool.
it was almost dawn then.

so we continued our lil' chat.
x habes2 jugakk,, coz i wouldnt let her go,,
and she wouldnt stay.
to me the problem was solvable.
i can change if she wants me to.
i'd do anything.
but she doesnt want anything to do with me anymore.

i was crying,, pathetically.
when my friend nad came approaching us.
"dah settele blom ?" she asked.
"belom la wey" i replied.
she gave a big sighs.
her exact words were :

"farah,, kalao meen ad org laen kao bley terima ke ?"
i said " i know bout her classmate and im trying to fix it"
"meen ad suke org laen,, farah. dy dlm kelompok kawan2 kite jugakk"
tersenyapp la kjap kann.
"is it nisha?"
"no,, its sue."

FUCK ! i didnt see that one coming. at all !
and the best part is,, everyne had already known bout it.
again,, i was the LAST one to know.

sue. sue. sue.
where do i even begin with her.
she was eppy's ex gf.
and she she was flirting with my close friend,, angah as far as i know.
i didnt know that she was messaging with my partner !

what a slut.
rmai lagii peng laen kat malaysia nie,, meen jugakk kao nak.
angah kan layan kao,, dy sincerely suke kat kao.
dy ckp mcm tu kat aku sndry.
mmg kimak gle la kao tao x.
aku bw kao blek umah aku kat melaka tu mase kao xde tmpt tdo.
aku bg kao tdo sebilik dgn kitorg.
haih,, aku xtao nak ckp mcm mane laaaaa.
ad gak manusia mcm kao kann.

but,, yeah,, i know,, it wasnt her fault alone.
kalao yg sekor lg ni x melayan,, msty xkan jd nye kan.
and mase tu jugakk laa i foud out that that thing they have had been going on for 3 weeks now.
3 fucking weeks !
macam sialllll !
we were still happily together that past 3 weeks.
she still text me goodnight and tell me 'i love you'
every single day.
wtf is that?

and i found out that they kissed.
on angah's bday celebration on the 18th.
the kissed ! HAHAAH !
mmg xtao laa nak ckp ape mase tu kann.

being soo stupid,, i still begged her to stay.
i felt like i'll accept whatever she did.
as long as she doesnt walk away.
as long as she doesnt leave me.
terdudok laa aku kat tanah tu merayu2.
mcm sial je rase.

then she walked away. i chased after her.
haih,, jantan sgt laa kao kan. bodohhhh !
kao bwat salh pastu kao nak lari.
i called sue up.
so the three of us talked.

"explain" i said to sue.
"farah,, i sorry sgt.
i xde niat nak rampas dy dr you. it just happened."
ayat mmg terbaekkk lahhhhhhhh !
nak je naek tangan weyhh !
biey and danny was just standing close,, as if they knew that if they were not there,,
the girl would have got a fuckin slap on her face.

"okayy,, kitorg dtg dr jaoh nie ,, kitorg nak a certain answer.
meen kao pilih sape ?" danny asked.
"sue" pergh laju gle jawabb dow.
then membebel laa kejap aku kat ctu.
i was talking about choices.

its fucking bullshit when she said it just happened.
she chose for it to happen.

i had my choice too.
when muffin asked me to be her scandal.
i could have just chose to say yes,, cause i really liked her a lot !
but nooooo.
i chose to tell meen about it.
i chose to be honest.
and for fuck's sake i chose meen.
but look what i got in return.
haha. adoi,, saket gle ht.

then meen just walked away.
like a coward.
i stopped her and gave her
3 bijik penampar sedapp punye.
1 for all the promises that she broke.
1 for breaking my heart.
and 1 for lying to me straight to my face countless times.

and i was starring at her glasses which biey was holding.
i chose that glasses for her.
we did that glasses together.
i broke it.
pastu cmpak kat muke dy.
"skrg kao punye turn pulak pilihkan specs dy okay?"
i shouted at sue.

sue chased after me and said
"farah,,i tao u xbley nak maafkan i skrg,, but istill wana say im sorry. please shake my hand"
and i did.
i told her i dont know if i ever wana see her again.
but i did asked her for a favor.
i told her,"please,, do not step foot in my house anymore. that's my house. i found it. i pay the rent. if u guys wana be togetehr and just fuck each other everyday,, then find another house."

"okay,, i promise" she said.

that time i felt relieved,, frustrated,, heartbroken,, sad,, scared,, ashamed,, and tired. all together.
i hung out with all my other friends for a while before they get back to melacca.
i had a chat with eppy.
she appologized sincerely.
"aku menyesal gle kenalkan sue dgn korg"
she said.
but i didnt blame her. at all.
"meen da rosakkan relationship dy dgn kao,, dgn aku and dgn angah just so she can be with sue" eppy said.

nak bwat mcm mane kann wey.
ntah laa.

hah. that's as far as i remember what happened that day.
bnyk lg all the little details but im tired of writing and remembering anymore.
biar lahhhhhhh.

mlass nak ingt lg.
she choe someone she had knewn for a few months than someone who ske knows for 3 years now.
including the time we were still firends.

what can i do. i feel so rejected.
yeah i woul tell myself that it is not my fault,,
every single day.
and i would tell myself that i fucking hate her.
but i still cant help missing all the good times we had.
so thats it.
no more dawun and bunge.

i am sooo angry at her.
but i do miss her so much at times,, and i'd just breakdown and cry.
that night my friend called me up to ask how ive been doing.
they were worried.
they were hanging out at the house in melaka.
and i found out that sue had been staying there for the last 2 nights.
promise kepala hotak kao la babi ! xde ht perot lgsung.
mmg ayat xbley pkai lgsong.

ive got nothing else to say.

she promised everything would be okay.
she promised that she'll be there forever.
that she'll take care of me no matter what.
i stupidly believed her.
i took the risk and quit studying.
i destroyed my own future.
but u know what,, im gonna be ookayy.
i'll fix my life back.
i'll be okay.

till then.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

rock on !

we broke up.

for real this time.
everything is just bullshit lahh.

i fucking hate her now.
she had an affair
with my friend.

dah laa,, malas nak pk.
people like her will never change.

so,, i still have time to repair myself.
nina said that i ripped apart.
so,, i should just keep teraing myself until theres nothing else to tear anymore,
then i can move on and start new.

i am.
starting new.
i can do it.
i know i can.
wish me luck !
its all about me now.
i do love someone.

i love myself.

so,, im not gova give up on my life over some stupid past.


Sunday, January 10, 2010

heart,, be prepared to shattered !

dear blog,,
we skipped work today.me and farouk.hm. feeling very tired.
im feeling very very tired.physically and emotionally.im tired of working,, tired of studying,,tired of cleaning,, tired of sleeping,,tired of eating,, tired of pleasing,,tired of everything.im tired of life.
maybe im just one of those few who cant stand life.who cant handle problems,, and obstacles.i thought i could.i used to be so strong.stronger than anyone else i know.but not,, i just feel like giving up all the time.giving up on everything.

its like im just waiting for my time to go.
maybe its time for me to leave.idk.it feels like theres no place for me on earth anymore.

well,, i like living in melaka with meen.she cheers me up always.she's my crying shoulder.the only one who understands me.but i cant be with her without hurting mama.so i came back to jb.
still,, to her,, everything that i do or say is wrong.theres not a single day that we did not fight.and everytime,, its me who backs off.she doesnt care.she doesnt care if im not happy.she doesnt care if i cry myself to sleep.she doesnt care if im sick.she doesnt care bout me.

is it my fault to consider what i did as a sacrifice i made ?not living my happy life so that she wont get hurt ?i think about this every single second im here.i packed my bags countless times to go back to melaka,,but farouk would stop me.'think bout mama' he'd say.or is it the voice in my head.im not sure.

i hate thinking that im stuck here.this should feel like home.but why the fuck does it feels like a temp.maybe,, idkjust maybe if she starts treating me nicely again,,and not as a dog,, i'd feel more comfortable.

oh god,, please give me strength.no one knows how many times i thought about suicide.i keep a knife in my bag,, with me always.just in case life's just getting too tough.i feel so alone.

why ?

i have a lot of friends,,im surrounded by the family.but everything is far from perfect.i dont feel any love.except from meen.but no one understands that.feels like everyone hates us being with each other.

fuck. fuck. fuck !

feels like ive been knocked down,, spit on,,stepped on,, kicked,, and i cant get back up.and like i dont even wanna find the strength to get up.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

life for rent.

first off !

happy new year 2010 !

somehow,, i have a syrong feeling that this year would be a bad one.
a bad one indeed.

i quit uitm,, well not officially.
but i think i got kicked out for not attending my finals last semester.
but whateverr lahh.
im currently at jb.

started working today.
at a&w bukit indah.
damn tiring.
i would love just to quit.

but i promised myself to work my ass out.
to earn money.
to buy a car.
my car.
on my name.

been fighting with mama ever since i got home from mlaka.
its like evrything that i do and say is wrong.
and she takes it very personally.

i really dont know how much longger i can stand all these bullshit lahh.
im going out of my mind staying here.
fuck lahh !