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Sunday, January 10, 2010

heart,, be prepared to shattered !

dear blog,,
we skipped work today.me and farouk.hm. feeling very tired.
im feeling very very tired.physically and emotionally.im tired of working,, tired of studying,,tired of cleaning,, tired of sleeping,,tired of eating,, tired of pleasing,,tired of everything.im tired of life.
maybe im just one of those few who cant stand life.who cant handle problems,, and obstacles.i thought i could.i used to be so strong.stronger than anyone else i know.but not,, i just feel like giving up all the time.giving up on everything.

its like im just waiting for my time to go.
maybe its time for me to leave.idk.it feels like theres no place for me on earth anymore.

well,, i like living in melaka with meen.she cheers me up always.she's my crying shoulder.the only one who understands me.but i cant be with her without hurting mama.so i came back to jb.
still,, to her,, everything that i do or say is wrong.theres not a single day that we did not fight.and everytime,, its me who backs off.she doesnt care.she doesnt care if im not happy.she doesnt care if i cry myself to sleep.she doesnt care if im sick.she doesnt care bout me.

is it my fault to consider what i did as a sacrifice i made ?not living my happy life so that she wont get hurt ?i think about this every single second im here.i packed my bags countless times to go back to melaka,,but farouk would stop me.'think bout mama' he'd say.or is it the voice in my head.im not sure.

i hate thinking that im stuck here.this should feel like home.but why the fuck does it feels like a temp.maybe,, idkjust maybe if she starts treating me nicely again,,and not as a dog,, i'd feel more comfortable.

oh god,, please give me strength.no one knows how many times i thought about suicide.i keep a knife in my bag,, with me always.just in case life's just getting too tough.i feel so alone.

why ?

i have a lot of friends,,im surrounded by the family.but everything is far from perfect.i dont feel any love.except from meen.but no one understands that.feels like everyone hates us being with each other.

fuck. fuck. fuck !

feels like ive been knocked down,, spit on,,stepped on,, kicked,, and i cant get back up.and like i dont even wanna find the strength to get up.