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Thursday, December 15, 2011

looking back.

before we know it,,

we're at the ending of the year 2011.
we've become another year older.
we gained another year of experiences.
we lost friends,, families,, loved ones.
still,, we gained new ones.

i've been busy with the assignments and all the preparations for my final exams.
(two weeks time)
and i have to get a few slide shows done for my family reunion next week.
of course the task was given months earlier,,
but me being me,, tgal seminggu bru nak buat lah kan.

so i got lotsa photos of the family.
zaman aku tak wujud lagi pun ada. gambar hitam putih.
and then gamba masa kecik2,, masa rambut mushroom.
have u ever look at the young-you photo,,
and just wondered if u had known that you'd turn out to be the now-you.
would you do anything about it ? would u change anything ?

honestly,, looking back,,
i thought i'd be someone very different from who i am now.
im not saying i dont like me. but.
idk. how else could i had been right.

so dear readers,, do u like who u turned out to be ?
is life okay for you ?

i think. however life turned out to be for us,,
make full use of it.
u can be who you want be. the door will always be open.
unless,, of course,, you die. haha.
just kidding.

gotta go. two slide shows to be done. i'll upload it when its finish.

i love you,, blog.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

miracle happens once in a while.

*tarik nafas dalam2. coz this is gonna be one long post.

i couldnt sleep.

first : the air cond broke down. tetibe buat hal pulak. padahal baru je servis.
not to say im gedik or anything. tp dah biasa. so malam nie mcm panas sikit,, i'd rather tak tido.
hopefully esok dah biasa,, so boleh tdo. pfft.

secondly,, im like addicted to this series HIMYM.
my brother got hold of the whole 6 seasons from the beginning,, so
memang layan citer nie je lah memanjang. which lead me to the third reason why i cant sleep.

thirdly : i cant miss class tmorrow. i really3 cant.
its garde manger. and my garde manger was supposed to be on monday,,
which i didnt attend,, due to overslept,, because i slept at 5 am the night before,, because i was watching HIMYM. and completing some assgnments.

okay people,, including last monday,, i've missed 4 garde manger classes. IN A ROW.
thats 4 weeks equivalent to a whole month !

HOWEVER,, 1 class was canceled by the lecturer,, and i was on MC for another class and that leaves us with two classes. tomorrow i'm attending his class (with another group - also my classmates) so that made me absent for only one of his class. right ?

still,, i got the feeling he's gonna be nagging and asking,, and nagging,, and nagging.
i got kinda freaked out. and here i am blogging my heart out.
just hope that everything will go well tomorrow.

i cant miss his class again.

yeah,, another thing,, my samsung phone dah rosak. i didnt even get a chance to copy all the important numbers.
well,, its time anyway. brapa tahun dah pakai fone tu. brape kali jatuh dah. berenang dlm air tembikai pun pernah. heee.

what am i supposed to say tmorrow ?
what excuse can possibly make up for absence of four classes in a row ?!
gahhhh !
it kills me. im so dead tomorrow.
i mean he could bar me. he really could.
coz those 3 weeks,, i missed a lot. most if the chapters would be up in the final exams.
so i might as well drop the paper right ?
oh well,, just see how it goes 2mrw.

pray for me,, guys. =/

another thing. i kinda think that i havent been letting my stress out lately.
i mean,, i dont talk to people so much,, coz most of my problems are quite personal.
so i smoke. i smoke and smoke and smoke. (cigarettes) until the other day,, i puked my lungs out before i go to sleep. and fuck it,, my chest hurts so much that time.
it got really hard to breath.
macam semput pun ada jugak.

and my temper (oh the temper).
i got upset and mad like every single day now.
hari2 mengamuk. tumbuk dinding. tiang lampu. campak barang.
most of the time sebab bende kecik je.
sometimes i just feel like im going out of my mind.
and yess,, sygg sy tu la asek terkena tempias nye.
im sorry bie. bare with me okay.

what should i do ?
stress is building itself inside of me and i dont know how to get rid of it.
sometimes i just cant control my emotions,, i cried.
even over the smallest things.
i dont know. *sighs.

i hope things'll change soon.
who knows. miracle comes in the form of something we wont even realize.
* i believe in miracles now ? whoaaa. pfft.

Friday, October 21, 2011

lemah. lemau. lelah.

tiba2 perasaan nak stone membuak2.

cmne ?!
chop coriander nampak ganja.
chop mint leaves nampak weed.
*ohh 'perasaan' ini,, sila pergi jauh2.
kau telah lama ku tinggalkan.
tgan mula menggatal msg tny org sana sini.
self reminder : STOP IT JGAN NAK MENGADA !

Saturday, September 24, 2011

jantan cilaka.

imagine you're me okay.

a stranger,, u've met for a day,,
and u have to be nice to him,, coz he's a friend of ur mom.
he comes to u,, and starts to advice you about life.

first off : "why do you smoke ? you should really quit."
by all means,, its non of his effin' business. but its about health and shit. its a positive thing i guess.
so i took it quite positively.

next : "why do you eat so much ? you should go to gym. exercise. if you use the track mill everyday,, in three weeks,, you will look like me."
first things first dude,, you DONT look that great. you dont even look healthy. perut kau tu tak buncit pulak. ?
so i answered : "what makes you think i want to be like you ? i am comfortable as i am"
dia mengeluh and terdiam kjap. tak puas hati aku degil lah tu.
deyy,, i am not going to slim down to impress anyone. if i AM going to do it,, its going to be for myself. not for anyone. let alone a stranger like you !
and then he start saying about health and shit again. "i just want you to be healthy and all".
bukan nak bongkak tapi aku rasa aku nie jarang sakit. kalau g clinic pun check up takde ape2.
so what ever. i dodge that one as well.

the third one : "u're 21. u have to start using ur head. start thinking about ur future. marriage. kids."
WHATDAFUCK ! yg ni aku tak boleh terima. kau kenal aku pun tak,, ada hati nak ckap cmnie !
aku terus potong cakap dia.
"listen to me bro,, ever since i was a kid,, i never imagined myself getting married,, or having kids. when i say the word 'future',, i imagine a good,, stable career with a house and a car of my own,, and my mom's face saying she's proud of me. i dont see any man in 'future'."

and then he started telling me not to be too close to arm. he doesnt want b to be a lesbian.
so i said :
"why do people always condemned gay people. WE are not the ones who kills. WE are not the ones who steal. WE are not the ones who rape. WE never interrupt other people's lives. so why wont you people leave us alone ?!"

and then he started talking about God and Religion. haaa. nie takbley blah. aku tak sure pon foreigner nie Islam ke tak.
but because my mom was nearby,, and aku nak jaga hati dia. so pekak kan telinga and ulang balik ape yg aku ckap. tak guna jugak nak explain dgan org cmnie. dy bukan tau apa2 pun.

the next day,, i had a big fight wih my mom. aku tak tahu laa ape jantan nie dah ckap dgan mama. but suddenly mama angen dgan aku.
is it my fuckin fault defending my rights and my life ?

idk what he did and say. but he succeeded. aku gaduh dgan mama. brapa hr dah tak bcakap nie.

serabut kepala otak nie. haihhhhh. ceritanya jauh lagi complicated dr ape yg aku tulis nie sbenanye.
tapi ada benda2 yg aku rasa aku taknak ceritakan in public sbb taknak mengaibkan sapa2.

so let it be. nak smoke sampai mati.

Friday, September 23, 2011

mourning his death.

***playing : i miss you - miley cyrus***

in loving memory.
31st Oct 2010 - 20 Sept 2011.

forever in my heart,,baby. irreplaceable. i hope you know that you are loved and forever will be loved.
have fun in heaven.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

my worst mistake which im GLAD i can address as a past tense.

i met epy last night and i got my stuff back from asshole meen.

obviously not all of them. takkan baju aku tiga helai je,,babi ?
ade pulak terselit ntah spender sape and tank top sape ntah. i know it wasnt mine.
nampak sangat kao dah nyanyuk kan ?
and for ur info,, dear readers,,
i threw it all away. because it was contaminated by this freak.
yes,, kao sangat keji sampai mcm tu skali.
you're a piece of shit. no wait. scratch that.
u're not even at the same level as shit. like a million times lower than that.

so,, reader. this will be my last post about
I/C : 890925-14-xingt.
244 kg chicha kubang krian Kelantan.
* a lil joke for naz. HAHA. credit to her for this. =)
so lepas nie SUMPAH aku takkan nak mencemarkan blog aku dgan nama kao lagi. yeay !
im doing this pon because it feels damn good to let it out of my chest.

utk pengetahuan semua,,
minah or mamat or minah perasan mamat nie is a big time FREAK.
she's a psycho.
and a freak.
oh did i mention that she's a freak ?

otak undeveloped and sorry to say,, tak berapa pandai. * wait im not sorry at all. mmg dy bodoh pon*
masok uitm pon sbb bapak org berpengaruh.

actually there's so so so much shit i can say about her.
because,, well,, she's just so full of shit.
but i think i wont.
because that would make me just like you.

i am educated and civilized so im not going to mention all the PRIVATE things in the past.

but i'll tell u this.
because that will be my last wish to God.
kau tak habes2 menganaiya orang.
menggunakan orang mcm aku.

demi ALLAH aku tak halalkan segala benda / duit / makan minum kau.

readers,, aku bnyk dosa,, aku tao.
nobody's perfect. and trust me,, im trying to redeem my self.
Insyallah boleh.

thank you sainatulakma for always being there for me and understanding my lil life.
and thank you for showing me theres much more to life than alcohol,, drugs and clubs.
i love you with all my heart.

and for those yang ada ex bodoh mcm aku yang aku rase malu nak ngaku ex tu,,
remember this always :

never pick a fight with idiots,,
they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

nuff said.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

loud and proud.

siapa kata boleh hias bendera dkat kereta and rumah je ?
blog pon boleh lahh. ;)
selamat hari merdeka MALAYSIA !
thank you for everything !
sy mmg patriotik sbbb atuk sy dulu askar.
and without doubt,, IM PROUD TO BE A MALAYSIAN.

hello syawal !

where you know all would be forgiven.

Friday, August 26, 2011

0347 am.

have you ever got that feeling of you've tried you very best,,

but you just cant seem to live up to someone's expectation ?

it's tiring right.

it even hurt more when you cant do anything about it.

gahhhhh ! *tertekan. !

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

time to burn.

oh my oh my oh my !

where do i start. fuhhhhhhhhh. *deep breath*

lemme quote first,,
" your misery is my happiness " - yours truly.

ooookkkaaayyyyyy. here we go.

so i stalked her page.
meen's. using my bro's account. (since i've blocked her)
idk,, i just got the inkling to stalk tonight. pfft.

first off,, lemme make things clear.
some of u guys yg baca nie maybe akan terfikir,,
"farah nie terok lah. asal dy tak move on move on lagi ?"
"kenape msty suka bila tgok org laen sedih." "kenapa nak stalk ex yg dah lama break"
"kalao dah block,, kenapa nak amek tao lagi ?" "kenapa nak jaga tepi kain org ?"
okay,, jawapan utk semua persoalan korg :
i have all the fuckin' right to be angry and mad at her.
after all i gave up.
brape liter alcohol aku teguk sbb dy.
brape bnyk ganja aku dah amek sbb dy.
brape bnyk rokok aku dah hisap sampai sakit dada.
brape bnyk kesan toreh dkat tangan sbb dy !
and future aku yg dah musnah sbb dy,, aku quit uitm sbb dy !
kalao tak dah kerja by now dgan diploma tu !
wasted two fucking years of my life living in lies just to be betrayed in the end.
so yess,, i have ALL THE FUCKIN' RIGHTS to be mad at her forever.

so,, bukak page dy tdy.
i was stunned.
dy dah break dgan gf dy ?!
appearently,, that girl left her for someone else.
and all her updated status was about how she's hurting,, how she could turn back time. and bla bla bla.
ex :

Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck
Die dah jatuh jati kat org Lain
Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck
Sumpah sakit nye hati aku
Sedih nye aku skang nih
Cepat nye die jumpe org Lain.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck
Aku xLeh handLe nih smua.
Mmg aku nk die happy
Oh fuck skt nye hati aku!!!!!!!!!!

i wish she'd read this : RASE LAH ! its your fuckin' turn.

theres one status she wrote bout why her ex's always took so lil time to move on and find a new one.
the question is how can you do that to some of ur ex's without even realizing it !

AAHHHH ! aku benci kao sampai mati !

perlu ke wey,, kao dah single,, kao nak buat list of you dreamgirl ?
ini di copy okay.

1. Lawa, hot, chun, chanteq dr ex2 aku sbeLum nih

2. Hati nya baik xterkata (aku dgiL pun die xkn marah sgt kat aku)

3. Jiwa innocent (so aku bLeyh ajar die cara aku coupLe cmner)

4. Setia xhabis2 (nk pandang penk Lain pun xkn ade sLera)

5. Sentiasa sggup bkorban dmi aku (sggup dtg jumpe aku dr jaoh)

6. Penting kn aku dr kwn2 die (mase diorg Lepak rmai2 pun die akan sentiasa SMS aku)

7. Sggup jujur & ikhLas dgn aku pasaL ape2 je (hari2 die akan bgtau aku pasaL ape jd dLm hidup die, xkira penting ke x die akan crite gak)

8. Reti buat suara manja yg bLeyh buat aku cair giLa (die kene buat dgn aku sorg je!)

9. Memahami situasi aku (cbe phm prob2 aku yg aku kene hadap)

10. Xkn berkira pasaL duit dgn aku (sbb aku mmg xkn bkira pasaL duit dgn coupLe aku)

11. Dengar ckp (aku Larang ape2 pun, die mesti ikut ckp aku, mLain kn die ade sbb yg munasabah)

12. Bukan jnis yg suke m'gataL (so that aku xkn ragu2 nk bawak die jumpe & knaL2 dgn geng2 aku)

13. xde pLan utk bkahwin Lgsung dgn Laki

14. Bukan bisex, xpnah coupLe dgn Laki, xpnah jd Lessy

15. KaLau aku xde, die akan jarang kLua g memane

16. KaLau die kLua pun, die xkn pkai sexy2

17. Sggup brumahtangga dgn aku, stay satu rumah ape sme

18. Umur Lingkungan 18-23

19. Sudi share sgaLa masaLah die dgn aku

20. Sggup hadap aku & bersabar biLa aku tgh bad mood giLe babi

KaLu korg knaL ade sesape yg AT LEAST ade 15 ciri2 drpd List atas nih pun dah ckup bgus Lah...siLa knaL kn kat sy yer...huhu

urghhhh. perlu ke dohh ?
kao ingt tak mcm mane kao buat aku dulu ?
luka dkat dalam hati kao tao tak !
aku sygg kao gila babi,, korban sume bnd.
and what did you do. went behind my back and fuck that bitch.

so now,, aku nak tny. sakit tak kne tinggal ?
sakit tak kena maen ? sakit tak bila kao tao dy ada org laen ?
sakit tak sygg dy selama nie.

tu pon kao couple dgan dy like what ? 5-6 bulan ?
fuck,, i was with you for two fuckin years.

bila aku sembahyang,, aku doa supaya hati aku tak busuk. tak sakit hati dgan kebahgiaan org laen,, tak bahagia dgan kedukaan org laen.
tapi tak boleh dgan kao.
maybe sbb sakit sgt dulu smp aku takkan maafkan kao sampai aku mati.
forgiving bukan bnd yang senang. tak semua org boleh buat.
hny org yang hati ikhlas and mulia je mampu.
aku belum dikurniakan keikhlasan tu lagi.
so im sorry. im sorry i cant forgive you.

and how i want you to know,,
my life turned 360 degrees after we broke up.
i've got arm and she's a million times better lover than you.
what i love most about her is the influence she brought into my life.
ikhlasnya dy dgan aku nampak gila smp mama boleh terima dy.
and they get along GREAT !

i love her and she loves me.
kao takkan dapat semua nie. kao takkan happy mcm aku skrg nie.
i believe in karma and i always will.

aku kejam ? aku terlalu sadis ? aku jahat ?
go ahead say it.
i'll go to sleep with satisfaction tonight. =)

Sunday, August 14, 2011

stripes of life.

i've been thinking bout what to write in my blog.

there are so many things to let out,, but when i start typing,,
i dont feel its proper. for example,, my last post titled 'steady as she goes'
which i removed because it was stupid.

so,, what do i write ?

should i write about how i miss her ? (as if its not obvious enough.)
should i write about my 'excitement' of the upcoming raya ? (joy,, as if im excited at all)
about meen ? (she's so dead to me)
friends ? (nothing to say)
damn,, life can be a bore sometimes ! urghhhh !

gotta admit,, having mood swings like crazy lately.
one thing not to love about being a girl. pfft.
like it or not. we will have mood swings that could make everyone annoyed.

in the end you'll be alone for a while before they come back to you.
cant blame anyone else but you.


note to self : in desperate need of temper control. hurm.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

N K asmoni.

was watching confessions of a shoppaholic on the tv just now.

i know its supposed to be about how a girl saves her self from spending too much on shopping.

but towards the ending,, there's this scene about rebecca (the main character) and her bestfriend
hugging at her bestfriend's wedding,, over one stupid dress.

believe it or not,, that scene brought tears to my eyes.
all of the sudden im reminded of nina.
how she helped me through my nightmares.

and how we fought over some stupid past.

the thing is right now,, both of us has this huge load of ego in us.

she expects me to apologize.
and i wouldn't do it for the third time.
is it not enought for two times in a row already.

ohh nin,,
i wishyou'd just stop the dramma.
you and i know that it is nothing anymore.
why should i take the blame of something three people did together.
how could you forgave rezal and not me ?
and how could you twist things up when you're telling nawal your side of the story.

i think nawal would agree with me when we say that you're a bit f a drama queen.
life is like a sad latin drama for you.
nonetheless nin,, we do LOVE YOU !
i still live you. and god knows how much i miss you.

to hang with nawal and not you ?
feels like im missing an empty piece.
we're suppose to be a fuckin tripod.

i want to be there for you.
i know you're going through tough times right now.
but wtf do expect me to do ?

kao nak aku dtg rumah kao pujuk kao sorg2 ?
be realistic. mama aku pon aku tak buat cmtu.
i wish you'd just stop faking.

i wish we'd be okay soon.
before this feeling of missing you transforms itself to being hating you.

aku rindu kawan aku.
tapi aku takkan buang ego aku untuk kali ke tiga.
its your turn,,babe.

Friday, July 29, 2011

football fever.

okay. semua org tgah bz tgok bola.

si bubu nie lagi takbley blah.
tak kelip mata langsung !

meanwhile. what am i doing ?
starving,, waiting for dominoes to deliver my pizza.

30 mins delivery la sgt. dah half time nie.
tak sampai2 lagi.
kalao delivery man tu tgok bola jugak mmg aku sepak2 kjap lagi.
lapa kotttt.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

light it up !

i looked at other people's blog.
they managed to get it to be so damn interesting.
i looked at my own blog. DAMN. its boring.
filled with words,, yes. but i cant imagine who reads it !

i used to think that the simpler it is,, the better.
now i think its too plain. too dull.

i need more pictures. more colors.
there are some pictures,, yes. but not much.

and i realized that i dont have any pictures of me and EKA SHAH.
my only faithful subscriber ( i think ).

imy la weyh ! hope dapat buka puasa same2 nty okay !

remember this one ? haha. my fav picture of us. thank you for being you,,friend !

Monday, July 18, 2011

a simple love letter.

ohh hari yang sangat memenatkan.

went back to jb 2 weeks in a row.
stayed up till 3 am finishing my report.
susah betol groupmate dgan foreigner nie.
mamat pakistan nie. dy pk dy bagos.
nak jd leader sgt. but tak tao nak lead.
i officially declare that i hate him !
whatever,, malas nak bukak citer. nty panjang lebar plak.

for now,, i just want to dedicate this post to my dearest bubu.
u have been there for me ALWAYS.
i will NEVER forget the things u have done for me.
what u have sacrificed.
eve sy buat assgnment nie pon awk teman sy smp tertido.
haha. comel sgt.
i want u to know that i appreciate u and everything u had done.
i love you.


haihhhh. I LOVE YOU and i can never get tired of saying it.

thank you sygg. thank u for coming into my life.
u mean the world to me.

sgt ngntok and akan update laen kali yea.
ohh btw,, good luck on ur first day esok,, bie. :*

Sunday, June 19, 2011

lets get on the darker side,, shall we ? =)

she cut more and more
her arm was now full of lines
her artistic way of doing with
instead of complaints and whine.

what'd you expect? a perfect child ?
with pretty scars all over my wrists,,
im sorry. i didnt mean to hurt you.

love,, some people,, when they're under a pressure that they THINK they cant handle,, they tend to lose control.
of everything. their minds,, their body,, their soul.
they'll scream,, cry,, laugh. they just cant cope with it.
but they'll be okay.
i'll be okay. =)
just something i found that maybe i should share.
i myself gets the shivers from writing this.
whoever wrote this must be pretty fucked up. somehow,, he/she has a point.


Before you make that first cut, remember--
You will find the blood and pain release addictive.
Even though you think you can make a few tiny cuts that aren't deep and will heal easily--
They will get deeper.
They will scar.
They will take sometimes months to heal.
And years for the scars to fade.
If you think you can limit the cutting to one area of your body think again.
It will spread when you run out of skin.
Be prepared to withdraw from others and live in a constant state of shame.
Even if you are the most honest person ever to live--
You will find yourself lying to the people you love.
You will jerk back from your friends when they touch you as if their hands were dipped in poison.
You will be terrified that they will feel something under the cloth of your shirt or because it just plain hurts so much to be touched.
Be prepared to get so out of control you fear your next cut because you don't know how bad it will be.
Just wait for 10 cuts to turn into 100.
Be prepared for your entire life to revolve around thinking about cutting--
Cutting and covering up cutting.
And just wait till that first time you cut "too deep."
And you freak out because the blood won't stop...
And you are gasping...
And you feel yourself shaking all over.
You are having a panic attack and you are terrified but you can`t tell anyone.
So you sit there alone...
Praying it will be okay--
Swearing you'll never let it go this far again...
But you will, and further....
Don't worry, you will learn how to take care of your cuts so that you can go deeper and deeper and avoid the ER.
And the better you get at treating your cuts,
The deeper they get.
You will lie to yourself and justify it when you find youself spending 20, 30, or 50 dollars every time you go the pharmacy.
You will feel the flutter of your heartbeat everytime you go to the counter to ring up your order.
Butterfly strips--
3 or 4 different kinds of dressings...
Antibiotic cream...
Medical tape...
Scar reducers...
You will tap your foot impatiently hoping the line will just move and noone will stare at you or wonder why you need all these things.
And at the same time secretly hope someone will notice--
Someone who is standing in line with an armful of the same supplies.
Someone who understands--
But of course that never happens.
Medical supplies won't be the only thing you spend all your money on.
Be prepared to buy a new wardrobe--
Longsleeve shirts in summer colors, bracelets, wristbands, boots...
The list goes on and on.
You will start looking at everyone in a different way.
Scanning their bodies for any signs of SI.
Just hoping that you might meet someone like you so you don't feel so terribly alone.
You wont even think about it,
As your eyes scan their wrists arms.
Hoping, just hoping they will be like you.
But they are not.
You will see their clean arms and feel terribly ashamed and alone.
You will start doing a lot of things alone.
You will always have to wash your laundry in private so no one sees the blood stains on your clothes and towels.
You will always be cleaning up the blood.
Scrubbing your bathroom floor.
Wiping the blood off your keyboard.
You won't be able to make it through a day without cutting.
Next thing you know you are in a public bathroom somewhere breaking open a scab with a sewing needle that you keep in your wallet for emergencies.
When you get really desperate,
Anything will be a cutting tool...
Scissors...a car key...a needle...a paperclip...even a pen.
Doesn't matter what it is if you need to cut bad enough you will find something.
Say goodbye to things you took for granted.
Like wearing shorts or sandals...pedicures...sleeveless tops.
A normal summer day at the beach or in a swimming pool will become a far off memory for you.
Get ready to itch.
Because you will itch and itch.
So much you will look like you have fleas or a skin disease.
You will become an expert on your body as you destroy it carefully.
You will dream about cutting.
You will dream about being exposed.
It will haunt you day and night and take over your life.
You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting--
At the same time you love it and can not live without


from http://let-me-exist-as-i-am.tripod.com/id12.html

that's that then.

Monday, June 13, 2011

send me away with the words of a love song.

time : 0146 am.
loc : on the couch,, home.

if this blog is a real thing,, i bet it would be dusty as hell !
no particular reason for not updating it,,
i was just fully occupied. plus the limited access to the net back in jB.

yea i was in jb for two whole weeks.
just got back yesterday.

class starts tomorrow.
im 60% relieved because im almost dying due to the boredom and the emptiness of the holiday.
the other 40% is the negative response of being committed to wake up EARLY in the morning for classes,, the lost of freedom and being tied down with a schedule and goodbye to the "i-just-wanna-laze-around" moments.

however,, 60 is a bigger number,, so lets be positive.

i hope everything will be going on smoothly this sem.
last sem was a success. and i have my results to prove it.

3.84 GPA baby !
i didnt meant to brag. but it is something to proud of.
i've picked up the pace. i was a few steps behind. and now,, im back on track with my studies.

there's a price to pay,, of course.
somehow,, i feel like i lost my friends.

its like i was the one who pushed them aside.
come to think of it,, it is true.
i dont hang out as much.
but its not because of i wanted to study or anything.
im just not up for it anymore.

call me a geek,, idc.
but i dont see the point of hanging out.
coming home late at night just to sit down at a mamak stall,, sipping teh tarik.
smoking my lungs out. talking bout others.
its fun to do it every now and then,, i gotta admit.
but when its everynight,, trust me,,
you'll get bored.

its not them. its me.
its my issues.
i think im finally getting to the stage where its usually called "maturity".
haha. funny that i thought i was already mature.
but yeah,, im quite a different person now.

not sure if everyone will like me now.
im still bubbly. but not as crazy as last time.

i guess we'll just see how tomorrow ends up.

wow. didnt realize ive been writing this much.
gonna hit the sack.


Monday, May 9, 2011

rolling in the deep.

time : 1538.
date : 09052011.
loc : KLIA.

mama's flight was delayed for another hour. so i guess i'll be waiting here.
bro's here right next to me.
chocked down an entire whopper here at the BK. gahhh.

why the heck am i describing where i am right now ? HAHA !


it's been a while eh blog ?
bile bosan bru cari kao kan.
biase la tu. ngeee.

its been a week since sem break.
and i have accomplish NOTHING ! grrr.
did nothing,, just been fooling around.
tried to look for a job,, but nothing really came up.
who wants a temp anyway ? it's only for a month.
but i really wanna do something ! all due to boredom !
its killing me ! sheesh.

aside from that,, everything is great !

mama's okay.
loving my baby everyday.
friends are still cool.
yeah. life's okay.

ohh did i mention that exam went smoothly ?
heeee. xD cant wait for result !

loads to tell actually. but not a propper time and place.

so,, later ! =*

Sunday, April 10, 2011

always a catch. ;)

NYAHAHA ! baru buat survey yg u dah lame buat,,boo. =P

Starting time :

Name :
farah dah laa kot. haha.

Brother(s) :
the one and only retard.=) ily bro.

Eye colour :
dark brown.

Shoe size :
6,, haha ! tipu gile.
7. geez. okay2.
9 ! puas ?!

Hair :
what about it ?
sentiase serabai.

Piercing :
a mickey stud on my nose.
got my second nose piercing ady ! =D

Height :
165cm ? ngeheh.

What are you wearing right now :
baju laa. takkan nak pakai langsir pulakk.

Where do you live :
here ! =)
there. pretty much everywhere.

Favourite number :
ooh. 7. and 11. haha.

Favourite drink :
recently,, bnyk mnom air kosong je.

Favourite month :
effember. =)

Favourite breakfast :
nasi lemak lauk sambal sotong and rendang kerang.

Have You Ever

Broken a bone :

Been in a police car :
ehh. no.

Fallen for a friend :
pfft. yea3.

Fallen for a guy/girl in a short time :
ohh yess.

Swam in the ocean :
like ages ago ?

Broken someone's heart :

Cried when someone died :

Sat by phone all the night waiting for someone call :
nehh,, not really.

Saved emails :

Been cheated :
big time.


Your room look a like :
ehh. see for yourself. =)

What is right beside you :
hubby. sleepng. pfft.

What is the last thing you ate :
a big mac ? haha. okay laa. naseb tak makan mega mac tao !


Who did you last tell :
tell what ?

Who was the last person you danced with :
eva and myra. gahaha.

Who last made you smile :
hubby. =)

Final Question

What are you listening to right now :

What did you do today :
woke up. lunch. movie. theLword marathon. swimming.
dinner.cont theLword. supper(mcd). online. this !

Are you the oldest :

Indoors or outdoors :
indors,, recently.

Today Did You

Talk to someone you like :
even better,, talked to someone i love. ;)

Kiss someone :
yeah3 ! hee.

Sing :
addicted to snow on the sahara.

Talk to an ex :

Miss someone :
a few peeps.

Eat :
like bnyk kali plak.

Last Person You Talked Who

You talked on the phone to :

Made you cry :

You went to mall with :

Who cheered you up :
b jugak.

Have You

Been to Mexico :

Been to USA :


Have a crush on someone :
ehh ?

What books are you reading right now :

Best feeling in the world :
getting stoned. =D

Future kids name :
not in plan. haha.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal :

Favourite sports :
pool ?

Favourite place :
awana kijal.

Who do you really hate :
really hate huh ?
hate is a strong word,, dude. ngehe.

Do you have a job :
a daughter,, a sister and a lover,, thx.
ooh. and a student. gahaha.

What time is it now :

circle of friends.

kawan umpama cermin diri kita sendiri.
thats something someone once told me and i dont think i'll ever forget it.

its noticeable once you've realized it.

kalao bergaul dgan org alim,, kita pon smayang skali.
kalao bergaul dgan kaki club,, kita pon club skali.
kalao bergaul dgan kaki pool,, kita pon tonjol bola skali.
kalao bergaul dgan yg gila2,, kite terjebak juga.
kalao bergaul dgan yg hisap rokok,, kita pon smoke jugak.

but i never blame anyone.
sama ade yg baek atau buruk,, bukan salah diorg.
its all my choices.
i blame it on curiosity,, lust and desire.

now that im starting to hang more with a new bunch of people,, a new clan i can say,,
im totally a different person.
bukan nak ckap senang nak terikot2.
its just that mmg laen ow rase ble lepaq dgan org nie and org tu.

the things you want,, the things you need,,
all changes for the right or the wrong reason.

well,, im still in the search for kawan sehidup semati.
kawan susah senang. that's something i haven't been able to find.
dalam ramai2 tu.

a few bffs,, a lot of close friends,, but only ALMOST true friends.

mmg susah nak jumpa. kalao korg dah ade tu,, jage lahh baek2.
takkan ade pengganti.

friends. cant live without 'em.

i love them. and i hope in time i'll find my soulmate. not as a partner (think i've found her already)
but as a dear true friend. =)

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

mentally ill ?

i think im crazy.
literally. like i have two personality or something.
pfft. one second im an angel,, one second i can be so cruel.
is this a disease ?
should i be seeing someone ? a shrink perhaps. ?
sometimes i think im just really unwell.

hubby bubu.

24hours from now,, and we're announcing our 6th monthsary !
im happy,, i hope she is as well.
i love her and she loves me. we're okay. =D

hubby,, i hope we'll still have years to come.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

you're my only one.

lately nie sy slalu pk bukan2.
its not that i dont trust you but kadang2 tu takot jgak.

kite selalu gadoh,,
and sy slalu merajok dgan awk.
but sy sentiase sygg awk.

thats something you dont realize.

pentingnye awk dlm hidup sy,,
i dont think you know.

sy sygg awk sgt2.
and i really dont want to lose you.

leaving under the same roof,, but sometimes
i feel that we didnt spend enough time together.

i know sometimes you're busy and all.

i just miss us.
i miss the laughs. i miss the cuddles.
i miss you.

i love you always.
your ara.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011



tired of ='(

ohh tears,,
wish you'd stop droppin.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

preaching much ?

i've learnt that no matter how perfect,,
how good,, how nice you've been to people,,
there's always,, i mean ALWAYS a person or two who'll never
be satisfy.
ade je yg tak puas ht.
ade je mistakes yg kita buat.

but what they dont realize is that
they themselves are never perfect.

they did the same mistake before.
they've lived their lives before.
and when they screwed up,, they came to me for a lending shoulders.
i never did mind !
i've always accepted my friends just as they are.

the whites,, the blacks,, and the many shades of grays.
and i've always thought they'd do the same.

tell me this,, friend,,

how am i suppose to listen to all your preaches when you are not all that in the first place ?

im fuckin' sick of being judged.

im fuckin' tired of people tryin' to be a hero,, savin' me or what-fuckin' ever you wanna call it.

save yourself first,, dear friend.

dont pretend you're all PERFECT and you can freely judge and underestimate others.

we were friends once.
but if this is how you're gonna treat me.
maybe we're better off this way.
coz the 'you' i've known,,
doesnt judge,, nevertheless never seemed to mind of my life.

take care old friend.
and THX for NOTHING.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

derita merindu.

its not even 24 hours yet since she left.
but fuck,, i miss her.
so so much.
ble dah takde depan mate baru nak rndu kann.
ble mcm nie,,
i regret every fight.
i regret every sulk.

i just want her.
spending the night alone tonight.
no cuddling,, no hugging.
its just for one night,, i know.
but damn.
mcm sayu ade jgak.

awk dah makan ?
awak buat ape ?
makan ape ?
dengan siape ?
hotel okay ?
awk nakal tak ?
sy rndu awk.

tu je laa ayat ulang2 yg hanta ble text. haha.

come back soon.
coz i miss you like hell.


p/s : pssst,, boo ! i dah bc ur blog. haha.
nty citer okay !

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


she's leaving me for two days to attend some stupid workshop.

bubu,, im gonna miss you.
janggan menggatal okay.


Monday, March 14, 2011

what makes you different.


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

fivetwentyfour am.

and so its march.
fifth month of being together.
and she got me a flower. which i thought was so sweet.
and im very fond of it.thank you so much shayangg.

so heres the thing. believe me when i tell you this.
i hung out with meen the other day. well two weeks ago kot.
cant recall.
oh boy oh boy.
she's still the same.
she brought her friend and soon-to-be gf at that time.
(now already declared)
geez. tgok fb kao pon mcm menggelab dow.
i mean,, come on.
kao baru couple dgan dy,, but status stock nak mcm dah couple 5 tahon laa plak.

and she texted me today,, just to tell me that she was hit by a car.
goddamnit. is that really necessary ?
apesal tak mngadu dkat awek kao je.
idk laa meen.
i dont think we should be friends.
i dont think we could be friends.
its not that im jelous or anything.
maybe you've hurt me so bad.
that the scar still remains.
the pain ive tried so hard to get rid off,,
comes back.

maybe you should just disappear from my life.
i mean,,
ive got arm now. and she's so good to me.
i'd be stupid to let her go.
and i dont want to lose her.
because i love her.
so i just hope that you'll eventually fade away.

muffin called the other day.
the old feeling triggered.
but i think im good.

hung out with boo the other day.
so much fun.
was out of 'ka-ching' so she paid for everything.
sorry ea boo. next time its on me pulak. =)
bley plak tsempak dgan myra kann. pfft.
pnjg plak umo minah tu kann. HAHA.

sy sygg awk mnyk2.
even kite gado kadang2,,
or maybe selalu,,
sy tak pernah terlintas nak break or tinggalkan awk.
i hope we'll last.

and im working on my essay,, about you for my english assgnment.
i'll post it here when its done !

Monday, February 21, 2011

for a pessimist,, i am pretty optimistic.

i am a pessimist.
i always look on the negative side.
obviously the result would also be negative wouldnt it.
people close to me are the ones who always has to pay.

this time,, its you,, bie.

so i wanna say im sorry.

sy mntak maaf slalu mngamok tak tentu pasal.
merajuk pasal bende kecik.
buat perangai tibe2.

im sorry.

im just having a hard time these past few days.
bare with me,, okay ?

i love you no matter what.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

i miss.

i miss writing.
i miss singing.
i miss listening.
i miss seeing.
i miss dancing.
i miss breathing.
i miss watching.
i miss texting.
i miss blogging.
i miss strolling.
i miss reminiscing.
i miss remembering.
i simply miss me.

these past few days. i feel like i didnt have control over myself.
i feel like i did something simply because i had to do it.
i miss doing things i love,, willingly,, of course everything would be simpler.
i wish i could get away for a while. just a day or two.
being by myself.
no phones,, no computers.
nothing. so no one could reach me. so i could find myself there.

life seems so crowded. so suffocating.
i cant recall what breath-taking feels like anymore.
i dont remember when's the last time i tasted fresh air.
even though thats what i breath every morning.

this post may hurt a few people,, especially you arm.
you may think im trying to get away from you.
or im bored. or im hunting for something new.
but its not like that at all.
this is a 'me and myself' issue.
you did nothing wrong.
nonetheless you're the kindest person i've known.
i dont know how i'll ever thank you.
and i love you,, i really do.

i dont know whats wrong.
been thinking bout lotsa stuff lately.
i just hope it'll go away.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

eka shah.

tak sangka ade jugak manusia mcm nie dkat dunia kan.
i can feel your pain,, boo.
i hope you'll be strong.
im always with you.
i syg you okay.
sabar and just take this as an obstacle in life.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

sainatulakma ibrahim.

its been a while since i've known you.
and im very happy that i did.
im happy that i saw at oldtown that day.
and we've got acap to thanked. ;)
tqsm bro. haha.

well it took us quite a while to declare ourselves being together.
i just needed time.
and now its been three months.
look how time flies.

i can see myself changing bit by bit with you.
and i dont mind.
because i love you.
i really do,, hubby.

we need that to stay strong.
trust. okay ?
hold on to my words.
only you.
trust me.

spent the whole day with you today.
and theres nothing i want more.

this song is for you.
~this way by jewel.~

ilysm. :*

Friday, January 7, 2011


result was supposed t come out today.
"unexpectedly" the system is down. pfft.
aku tgah nervous2 nie tak dapat plak check.
schedule is out,, however.
not too pack. thank god. =)

looking forward for classes. yeayyy. ;)
tu maknenye dah bosan sgt cuti sem nie.
haha. besides i miss all those crazy lunatics (the classmates).
imissthem a lot.

yesterday,, was my monthsary with her.
glad we made it this far,, syggg.
acam ucuk anje. =)

sy tak suke kite gadoh okay !
i dont want that anymore.
because i love you.
and im looking forward to seeing you everyday.
never thought i could love someone like this again.
you're all that matters now.
sygg awk mnyk3 ! :*

as for family.
mama's on a 1 week leave.
currently at thailand,, vacationing.
bro's bz with classes. glad he's back with his girl.
cant afford to see him being down all the time.
sis moved back to kL. the nephews are entering kindergartens.

friends : like i said,, i miss them so so much.
especially vava,, sad and acit.
rindu korg pny kepala gile. hahaa.

well,, thats it for now.
gonna hit the bed. (yawn).