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Thursday, July 25, 2013

suicidal note.

three months to come,, its gonna be a whole year since i last write.
a lot has happened between these 9 months of time.
i dont know if someone is going to read this post. or if no one ever does. blogging just seems so outdated with all the other social networks these days.

truth been told. i almost kill myself, 3 hours ago.
theres just so many ways for someone to kill themselves.
pills,, wrist cutting,, choke down on bleach or floor cleaners.
hell,, u can even wrap ur head inside a plastic bag if u get too desperate.

of course it has to be about love.
it has to be about some girl.
it just have to be about someone i love. more than i love myself.

and that someone just doesnt love me.

and i have to be so fuckin insecure about it.
and be so fuckin depressed. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
and cry myself to sleep. and just wake up the next day to cry and cry again.

why do we have to feel this way.
why the fuck do i have to have feelings.
why cant i just be cold hearted and heartless. feelingless.
why cant i write this while not shedding a single drop of tear.
why do i have to be so fucking fragile.

my previous realtionships always have the same patern.
with meen. with arm. started out as a friend and fall in love together.
and this time. it had to be different with her.

it started out too fast. she loved me so much even without getting to know me very well.
we broke up after two weeks of a relationship because i couldnt commit. and then we got into an open relationship.

then we get back together eventhough it was a long distant relationship.
and as time passes,, i fell more and more in love with her.
giving her everything that i can give including my heart and hoping she wouldnt break it.

little did i know that for her,, as time passes,, she fell OUT OF LOVE with me.
she loved me lesser and lesser. and she did not mention anything . not until last night.

i dont know for sure. but i think i have never loved someone this much.
so knowing that she didnt lpve me back,, just kills me.
no wonder she has been nothing but cold and unloving towards me these past few weeks.
i once promised myself to never be this vulnerable.
what happened to me.

she just doesnt love you.
maybe she used to before. but not anymore.
whether is your fault or hers. it doesnt matter anymore.
things will not be okay between you anymore.
you just have to accept that and let it go.

i lost the intrest to do anything anymore.
i swear to god,, suicide is all i can think about. every single minute of the day.
what else can you do when u cany do anything anymore.
crying just doesnt help.
i feel helpless. pathetic. alone. pityfull. pathetic. and pathetic.
thisbtime last year i was a cheerful and healthy person.

and now im just a nicotine addict.

maybe ill persue my suicidal dreams one of these days.
im just miserable living, anyway.
same old routine. same old sacrifices. same old task,
and nothing to look forward to.

i love my mom. but i just cant do this anymore.
i dont want yo live anymore.

and now,, losing someone who has the whole of my heart,, just makes me feel like im a walking zombie.
and she doesnt care.
she doesnt know that iys my heart shes breaking.
and my head shes messing with.
and my life on the line.

my psychotic disease is back.
much worst this time.
sometime i think that i need to be on meds,

sometimes i just swallow some painkillers, without reason.
sometimes i simply cut myself. without reason.

maybe. just maybe.
i just really cant take it anymore.

i dont think anyone can help me.

im sorry.